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Sunday, December 5, 2021

Self-proclaimed anarcho-communist Kayleigh Smith rushes Sigma Numa Numa despite ideological conflicts

Peter Kropotkin would TOTALLY be a SigEp

Sigma Numa Numa, a well-established sorority at UC Davis, recently had the pleasure of virtually welcoming its 2020 bid class. Among the flurry of smiling faces and feather boas is Kayleigh Smith, a first-year, who hopes that her admission to the top-ranked sorority will provide her with future career and party connections. 

There was only one problem. As of two days ago, Kayleigh had been “radicalized,” earning the  title of UC Davis’ very first anarcho-communist sorority sister. 

“It’s taken a lot for me to come out as lefty. Lots of girls just gave me weird looks when I told them. I mean, to be fair, they were totally blacked, so I don’t really think they understood me,” Kayleigh told The Aggie.

Smith explained that her radicalization began on TikTok when she began to get the “p***y communist, it read theory” sound on her For You page. 

“I think at that point, I kinda just knew. Like, I officially crossed over into radical TikTok. I immediately put the little moon and stick symbol in my Instagram bio. My Russian grandma heard about it somehow and started yelling at me on the phone, but I don’t speak gulag, so I just hung up on her,” Kayleigh said.

Greek life, albeit fun for the few people who can afford it, doesn’t really lend itself to leftist theory, but this hasn’t stopped other members of panhellenic organizations across campus to “come out” as anarcho-communists. Second-year Todd Daniels has finally taken strides to accept himself as a lefty, altering his “Saturdays are for The Boys” flag to say “Saturdays are for the Comrades.” He also quit his job as a Trader Joe’s cashier recently, claiming that “TJ bosses are just The Man in a Hawaiian shirt.” 

“Yes, Zigwa Maga Tonga is the ‘top’ frat. And yes, I do take a lot of pride in that. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t want to strive to demolish well-established social hierarchies. I mean, when Zete Yeet Teet got suspended, we like, took over the means of party production, which I think is really reflective of my beliefs,” Daniels told The Aggie. 

Other brothers and sisters aren’t so willing to lean left, though.

“I mean, sure. Abolish the police. All they do is roll our darties anyway. But like, this raises the question: Who do I call when Kyle from Zete Yeet Teet starts getting all creepy? And who do we call to get the GEEDs away from the house when we’re trying to turn up?” Rebecka Long, a fourth-year Greek life member, said. “I just don’t know if I feel comfy, like, taking away that support system.” 

  In partnership with the Davis College Communists, Kayleigh and Kyle have decided to start their own Greek house named Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon Zeta Eta Theta Iota Kappa Lambda Mu Nu Xi Omicron Pi Rho Sigma Tau Upsilon Phi Chi Psi Omega. 

Kayleigh Smith created the name of the house in order to promote “equal standing of ALL Greek letters.” Her vision for the house?

“We’re hoping our house, AlphaBet…Omega, will be the highest-ranking house in all of Davis! But, uh, social hierarchies don’t matter, obviously. Unless it’s bid day.” 

Written By: Isabella Chuecos –– ifchuecos@ucdavis.edu 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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