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Davis, California

Friday, April 12, 2024

Seasonal flu set to make big comeback after rise of COVID-19

“I’m ready to prove all the haters wrong”

“COVID-19 is only as bad as the flu!”

“COVID-19 is worse than the flu!”

That’s what we have been hearing for months from people comparing the flu to COVID-19. The Flu has also been paying attention to this, and it has some thoughts.

 “I’m tired of all the haters! I could kick the s***t out of this COVID-19!” the Flu said. 

At a time when pundits in the U.S. can’t seem to agree on whether COVID-19 is a serious threat, the one thing they can agree on is that they don’t think the flu is a big deal. The Flu is ready to prove the doubters wrong.

“I’m still the number one kill-for-kill virus! All these so-called ‘disease experts!’ How can they be an expert on a disease when they’ve never been inside a human body fighting off those T cells and antibodies?” the Flu said. “They can’t.” 

When asked about COVID-19, the Flu didn’t hold back, saying, “Look I respect COVID-19 for doing it’s thing and going to work and getting in there, but at the end of the day it still needs to prove itself. It’s only been seven months, I’ve got over a century of work.”

“Hey, listen man, COVID-19 has an 11 day incubation period, I’m getting to work in two. So I’m faster.”

When questioned about how their resumes match up, the Flu responded, “I’m more experienced. In two years I’ve killed 50 million people––50 million. And a vaccine has only slowed me down recently. I’m still lethal when I can get to work. Talk to me about competition when COVID-19 does that.”

Despite the Flu’s confidence, Las Vegas has COVID-19 as the 42-1 favorite coming into this winter. This has led some disease experts to believe that COVID-19’s reign as the number one kill-for-kill virus will continue for years to come.

Despite the Flu’s verbal shots leading up to the upcoming showdown this winter, COVID-19 has not responded at this time. It has been rumored, however, that Smallpox and the Bubonic Plague will be coming out of retirement this spring. 

Written By: Ean Kimura — etkimura@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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