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Sunday, September 19, 2021

The only way to stop a pandemic is a pandemic with a gun

The case for giving malaria a gun

We’re all tired of this pandemic. The doctors have tried to solve this problem with their curve-flattening, freedom-violating restrictions. The experts have tried to solve the problem from their ivory towers with their Harvard degrees. We don’t want to wait around for a vaccine. It’s time to solve this problem the American way. Let’s arm another pandemic to fight back against COVID-19.

Now, I know a lot of you eggheads are concerned, “What if this other pandemic turns around and uses American weapons we give to them on us?” That’s nonsense. Never before have American-supplied weapons been used against Americans.

It is crucial to choose the correct pandemic. A pandemic that a rich, developed nation doesn’t have to worry about. My personal choice is malaria. Some might say polio, but I think we are all in agreement about one thing: We should give the pandemic a gun.

Some people who have a fancy doctor degree might say: “Pandemics don’t kill with guns though. This whole plan doesn’t make any sense.” I don’t need a scientist to tell me that. That’s why we should give another pandemic a gun. If COVID-19 is too stupid to not use a gun to kill us, then we should take advantage of that.

You might be wondering, “Then why don’t we shoot the virus with our own guns?” Don’t be stupid. You can’t kill a virus with a gun, yet. If we make really tiny guns, for another pandemic to use though… Now we’re cooking.

The more I write this article, the more I realize that I didn’t really think through the concept very well. I really just wanted you all to picture a little pathogen armed to the teeth shooting a coronavirus, though. Why? Because I hate this virus and picturing it being pumped full of lead brings me joy at this point. So let’s arm another pandemic, because we’re all getting a little irrational at this point. 

Written By: Ean Kimura — etkimura@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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