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Sunday, November 28, 2021

Oh no! What to do when you’ve been caught buying dog food

The beginner’s guide on how to get away with buying dog food when you don’t own a dog

We’ve all been there: caught red-handed buying dog food by someone who knows that you don’t own a dog. Or maybe the Trader Joe’s cashier asks what kind of dog you have after noticing the dog treat advent calendar in your basket and you foolishly tell them you don’t own a dog. Whatever the reason may be, you probably don’t want people remembering you as the dog food-dunce. Unless, of course, you’re a proud dry food junkie—then good for you, read no further. But here are some excuses I’ve created for those closeted kibble cretins.

It’s for someone else’s dog 

We’ve all made this excuse. It’s boring, but it can be effective. The trick is always to lie simply. Too many details will definitely make it look like you are trying to convince the world that you don’t eat dog food, which of course you do, but we can’t have that. You can’t fool everyone with this one though, so you might have to get a little more creative.

I’m a dog trapped in a human’s body

This is a little more creative. Sure, it’s kind of derived from the premise of the hit film “The Shaggy Dog,” its sequel “The Shaggy D.A.” and if you are really shag-crazy the two-part made-for-television comedy film “The Return of the Shaggy Dog,” but it just might work. You might have to pee on something or get fleas to sell it. The only problem is that you might just seem more insane than if you just admitted you eat dog food.

It’s over, just admit it

Let’s face it: there aren’t a lot of ways to get out of this one. The gig’s over at some point—just confess. There’s nothing wrong with eating dog food. Dogs eat our food sometimes, so it’s kind of messed up that we can’t get a bite of theirs from time to time. I mean, we’ve all enjoyed a nibble of kibble. It’s pretty much just dog granola.

Wait did you actually admit it? I can’t believe you actually did that. Seriously, you eat dog food? Wow, I didn’t think anyone reading this actually ate dog food. You are a very strange person. Just eat normal food like a normal person. Good lord, what a freak.

Written By: Ean Kimura — etkimura@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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