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Wednesday, October 20, 2021

My ‘My Pillow’ keeps me awake at night

And it’s not for the reason you think

It was Jan. 4 when I walked into that Bed Bath & Beyond. I wasn’t satisfied with the pillows in the bed section, but as I was about to leave I accidentally stumbled into the beyond section. It was there waiting for me. When I bought it that day, I didn’t realize that this pillow would wreak havoc on my life in the months to come. 

“Martial law in Georgia” began the whispers in early November. At first I thought my roommate was having alt-right dreams. One night I lay alone in a room, finally some peace from the murmurs, but I couldn’t handle the truth. They only continued. When I tried to find respite by covering my head with my My Pillow, but the murmurs only grew more intense. That’s when I realized that my pillow, specifically my My Pillow, was the source of these whispers.

The whispers change. One night it might be “Foreign powers rigged the voting machines.” Other nights it’s “Oleandrin cures COVID-19.” It doesn’t stop though. I’m not sure it ever will.

I can’t function. Partly due to the sleep deprivation and partly due to the fact that my pillow, manufactured by My Pillow Inc., is whispering to me in bed. I show up to work, and my co-workers tell me I look haggard, terrible, even disturbed. I can’t tell them the truth. How would that look? I’d look insane if I told them the horrifying truth, “I can’t sleep at night, BECAUSE MY MY PILLOW SPEAKS OF COUPS!”

Most recently the whispers have been about how it was actually antifa who stormed the capitol. I tried to stop using it, but it radicalized the other pillows I had. I can’t just throw it out and unleash this whispering pillow out into the wild.

The foam blend that allows this pillow to keep its shape, yet stay so soft, will likely allow this pillow to disturb me to my dying breath. What have you done Mike Lindell? What have you done?

Written By: Ean Kimura — etkimura@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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