“We just want to show students we care”
With the pandemic now close to reaching the one year mark, UC Davis is determined to help struggling students. So the entire Mondavi Center has now been turned into a giant ball pit and three cheese pizzas have been ordered for the entire student body.
“We wanted to do something special for students, to show how much we care about them in these trying times,” said a spokesperson for the administration.
The giant ball pit is open to every student, but due to COVID-19 regulations, only one student is allowed in at a time for a maximum of three minutes. After each student’s regulated ball pit time, each of the 3,000,000-plus plastic balls must be washed. The current waitlist for the ball pit now extends to late September with three people currently on the waitlist.
The three cheese pizzas, which are also free for students, will be available on Feb. 20 from 6 a.m. to 6:05 a.m. Students will only be allowed an equal share of the pizza, so between the school’s roughly 35,000 students, each student will receive exactly a fraction of a slice of pizza for all the obstacles and difficulties they’ve had to face during the pandemic.
“You see it’s important to show the students you know what they want,” the UC Davis spokesperson continued. “Yes, we could lower tuition or maybe give additional funds in student relief, but none of those are truly personal. I wanted people to see the ball pit and think, ‘Yes, this is what my tuition is going toward.’”
Sadly, a recent problem at the Mondavi Center has now closed the ball pit indefinitely. The reason for the closure remains unknown, but rumours of what’s happened in the ball pit have circulated over social media. A student volunteer who was forced to work on the ball pit for class credit had this to say: “Yeah someone pissed in the ball pit.”
A university-wide investigation has been launched in search of the perpetrator that peed in the ball pit. If you or anyone you know has any information on what happened to the ball pit, please call 1-800-BALLPIT.
Not all hope is lost, however, the pizza party is still planned to go on without fail—though the university has said that it would be greatly appreciated if someone brought some plates and drinks for the whole student body to share.
Written by: Ian Cosner — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)