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Davis, California

Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Your post-Valentine’s Day reminders and remedies

The only difference between you and a calendar is that the calendar had a date for Valentine’s Day

I’ll be honest with you. The past few weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day were emotionally harrowing. Why are there Valentine’s Day sections in literally every business enterprise? Target? Even Trader Joe’s, are you kidding? Call me John because I honestly ain’t Cena thing. 

Without further ado, here are my post-Valentine’s Day reminders. Keep these at the back of your mind at all times. There are many fish out there who literally swim all year round. Real swimmers’ seasons don’t stop; they go all out every fall, winter, spring and summer. 

  1. YOU ARE NOT A BOARD GAME. Remember your worth—you are not a board game, so no one has the right to play you. This goes out to everyone as a general reminder. 
  2. Sometimes when they make you a playlist, it honestly just means they’re in your played list. This goes out to all my indie music lovers out there. Make sure your indie boyfriends do more than just play the same Tame Impala songs for you. Also, if they only play you Tame Impala songs, that’s a red flag—add some variety.
  3. Roses are red, violets are blue. Just because they’re investing in GameStop doesn’t mean they’ll ever invest in you. Even economics nerds know that love is the riskiest investment of all. This is me telling you now that you are worth every investment.
  4. Sometimes they’re in our lives so that we can meet their pals and get better vibes. Remember, you meet their homies for a reason: expanding your options (for friends and such, of course). 
  5. If you ask for their phone number and they freak, just know that they belong to the streets.

Written by Macy Lee — mcslee@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer:  (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and/or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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