I mean, if I’m not getting yeeted off my bike once a quarter, why am I paying to go here?
Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, many Davis students have been frustrated with their current education experience. Student complaints range from “Zoom creates a difficult environment to learn and stay motivated” to “I can’t say ‘My dog ate my homework’ anymore because everything’s online.” But the most logged complaint from current UC Davis students is the most obvious: “I haven’t been in a bike crash in months.”
The administration sympathizes with students. Being a bike-centered school, the lack of bike crashes on campus is a complete embarrassment. While tuition isn’t necessarily the most iron-clad contract, the administration understands that bike crashes are non-negotiable.
“I mean, who are we as a university, if we’re not the school with the most bike crashes on campus? One of the top schools in mental health? The #1 veterinary school in the world? It’s just not the same,” an administrator said.
“I get that you can’t always control this sort of thing. But I paid for it. If I’m not getting yeeted off my bike at least once a quarter, why am I here? I should’ve gone to Sac State,” a student said.
The administration has been working fervently on a way to bring back the bike crashes, insisting that by the end of the month “You’ll be breaking your wrists again in no time!” The current plan includes three major steps: deconstructing all bike paths to ensure as many potholes and bumps as possible, cutting every publicly accessible bike’s brake lines and having designated student “crashers” hired to run into as many student bikers as possible.
But without the usual biking population of pre-COVID-19 shape? While we at The Aggie are hopeful, who knows what the future holds.
So that’s why The Aggie is pushing the new “Crash It” initiative for Spring 2021. We ask that all UC Davis students do their part and attempt as much bike-related chaos as possible throughout the entire quarter. We know a bike crash can be inconvenient and sometimes detrimental, but we ask that you help support and reestablish this staple of the Davis experience. So get out there and make a difference. From our bikes to yours, we hope to run into you soon.
(The University of California, Davis and The California Aggie are in no way responsible for any harm or injury caused by the “Crash It” initiative and cannot be held legally responsible.)
Written by: Ian Cosner — email@example.com
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and names of “sources” are fictionalized.)