77.5 F

Davis, California

Saturday, May 18, 2024

Student completes more thorough background check on TA than NCIS within first five minutes of class

On a mission to discover everything but the syllabus

Let’s face it. No one particularly cares for Zoom introductions, especially the one-sided rambling of your apathetic teaching assistant (TA). You could find out more from a thirty-second Google search than from their inane mini-presentation about themselves. Actually, that’s not a bad idea.

How do you spell that last name? No, wait, here it is. Seventy-eight results on Facebook. Okay, grad students, Sacramento Davis area… 

Here. Got it. That was easy. 

University of Alabama, blah blah blah. Neurobiology major? This is a history class. Why are you teaching this class? 

Ooh, campus involvement. Let’s see that. Geography Club. Sounds like a hoot. And a sorority? Let’s go to their Instagram. Tagged photos. Oh, how cute. They’re all wearing the same white mini dress and borderline culturally insensitive fake tan. I wonder if they bulk order those dresses from Sears. 

Wow! That—that’s definitely not legal. I guess sophomore year hit hard. 

I’m really good at this, actually. I should work for the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Or try to find my ex’s new girlfriend on Instagram. Did she say she was an astrological counselor?

Maybe I should check on the Zoom. Oh look, they’re on another slide about her boyfriend. He’s from Wisconsin. They went to Disneyland together. Riveting. I can see him on her Instagram dressed like a rejected J.Crew model. Wait, that’s her dad. Oh my God. He looks like her boyfriend. Oh my God. She’s dating her dad. Ewwwwww. Is there a hotline for this? Disgusting. Anyway, moving on.

Who links their Twitter in their Instagram bio? You are not Chrissy Teigen.

“I would literally kill someone for Olive Garden breadsticks.” Dude, you don’t have to. They’re unlimited. 

“Undergrads are idiots. They never pay attention and then email at the last second.” Oh, that’s just unfair. This one says, “Stop stalking me.” Who would want to retroactively read your mediocre attempts at—Okay, point taken.

Wait, did she say something important? No, they’re still on the syllabus. I can read the words “office hours,” thank you.

LinkedIn! How could I forget LinkedIn! Sales associate and customer advisor at Burger King. That’s definitely a stretch. Wow, can you actually speak Arabic, Spanish and Zulu? Elementary proficiency. Get out of here.

The Zoom is ending. Smile and wave. No, I will not do the reading. You might want to ask if your father has an illegitimate child who grew up in Wisconsin. 

Unmute for the first time to say thank you. I’ll email you my questions. Keep smiling while clicking to exit. Goodbye.

Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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