“We at UC Davis support all kinds of education, and we want to allow students to follow their dreams of eating beans and dying of dysentery,” said new head of the Western Studies Department, professor Thaddius Cowboy.
It’s been a long time coming, but UC Davis finally has its first official “Cow Wrangling” major (COW), filled with classes like “Professional Yeehawing 101,” “101 Ways to Cook Beans” and “Brokeback Mountain Climbing.” Professor Cowboy has even hinted at a possible study abroad opportunity at Donner Pass for more “culinarily-minded” students.
Students who have taken the first round of the new COW curriculum had a lot to say: “So I took one of the classes just to try something new, y’know? And after one week I’ve stuck my arm in a cow, hit myself in the face with a whip and I think I’m becoming illiterate,” said one student.
“I’m really grateful they started the COW curriculum. Cow-wrangling has always been my dream, and I never knew I could do it professionally. I’ve just been walking around in chaps and a cowboy hat around campus, terrorizing the townsfolk,” said a second-year, riding a horse through the Memorial Union.
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAW,” said another student.
It’s not just all horse riding and dangerous river crossings. As part of their senior project, students must retrace the Oregon Trail, crossing only with the materials and technology appropriate to the era. And as entertaining as it may seem to cross America eating only bacon and eventually your horses, multiple students have failed the trip.
But that’s not all. If you actually make it back to Davis in one piece, you’ll be forced to face down Professor Cowboy himself. You’ll showdown at noon in front of the Memorial Union, and whoever is the last man standing will gain the title of Professor Cowboy and teach the curriculum for the next year. The current Professor Cowboy is undefeated, but with a practically-free Doctorate degree bounty on his head, who knows how long until the next professor is named.
The current Professor Cowboy assured me that it’s just part of “being a cowboy.”
UC Davis’ first, spur-jangling steps into the world of the West may be a bit of a culture shock to other students, but I respect all forms of education and expect all students to do the same. COW classes will be available to all students next quarter, with priority registration for students from Texas.
Written by: Ian Cosner — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)