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Wednesday, May 29, 2024

UCD genetics department starts making new animals ‘just for fun’

“Why cure cancer when I can make like, a really big rat?”

Cancer research will have to wait as UC Davis genetic students have grown tired of their usual lab work and decided to create their own animals. The whole campus has run amok with their newest creations. Sightings of rats the size of buses, turkeys that can fly and cows that can stand on two feet have been reported all over campus. While the administration is trying to do its best to control the situation, it seems as though there’s no end to these adorable and terrifying new creatures. 

But where did this collection of charismatic creatures come from? Are these spectacular specimens some sort of strange new species? And why is there a blue hedgehog that keeps eating all of my chili dogs?

“I mean, it started out just like these things always do,” said UC Davis genetics graduate student Wus Updaug. 

“Me and a couple other grad students were complaining about how we could totally make real-life versions of Pokémon. The only thing stopping us was that we aren’t allowed to use the lab equipment for personal reasons. But with the pandemic and everything else that’s happening these days, we thought we deserved our very own Pikachus, y’know? We haven’t perfected the formula yet, but we’re really close. The last rat had all the right colors, it was just the size of the MU. You want one?” Updaug said. 

Despite these cute characters’ wholesome beginnings, classes and on-campus research has been halted for the foreseeable future. A horse that seems to be permanently on fire has burned down the entire university vineyard, a lizard and a monkey-like creature were last seen fighting one another in Putah Creek and the previously mentioned rat was last sighted at the Memorial Union bus stop eating every Unitrans bus in sight. Well, all except the blue one for some reason. With the campus feeling more like an old B-side movie, who knows when campus will return to normal.

But this writer has had enough as well. Screw normal. Life hasn’t been normal my entire life. Who says students can’t learn in an environment that also includes a 30-foot-tall rat or a fox with two tails? These creatures are the pinnacle of genetic engineering and UC Davis should be proud of the remarkable strides its students have made for science and the good of all humanity. In my completely unbiased opinion, I believe that UC Davis should let all these creatures roam free no matter what and increase funding for the genetics department. Oh, and they should definitely not fine these students for any of the damages caused by their creations. Can I get my Pikachu now?
Written by: Ian Cosner — iacosner@ucdavis.edu


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