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Davis, California

Friday, June 18, 2021

Taking a minute to humble Trader Joe’s

I’m losing friends over this

I bought a pair of boxing gloves and scheduled an appointment with a therapist just for this article—I’m ready for the backlash. 

I like Trader Joe’s. Shopping there is consistently a fun experience. Between their Hawaiian theme and wide range of products, I often mistake the aisles for being a nautical-themed Disneyland ride. Not to mention, the products are more affordable than other grocery stores, making it a smart option. I’m simply here to shed light on the negatives of Trader Joe’s—considering that no soul ever dares to do so.

Let’s begin with the decor. While I think the Hawaiian theme is fun and playful, let’s not dismiss its tackiness. It looks like a Florida retirement home up in there. There’s probably an elderly couple living in the Keys with the same tiki torches by their “Welcome” mat. Oh, and as for the Trader Joe’s font, it’s the same font used to say what beers are on tap at no-longer-hip bars.

On to the employees. I’ve never met a rude staff member at Trader Joe’s. Considering how friendly and helpful they are, I shouldn’t even bring attention to their minimal flaws. I’m just going to say that I may or may not consistently get roped into a 10-minute conversation with the cashier. We start by discussing which Joe-Joe’s flavor is the best and within the next minute, I’m learning about their difficult relationship with their stepchild. 

As for the food itself, I actually can’t trash-talk it. (Or as I like to call it, “Trader Joe’s talk it…” Kidding.) All the food is good and exciting to try; I’ll just admit it.

As I’ve poorly stated my argument in opposition to Trader Joe’s, I’d like to take this time to highlight the beauty of a Raley’s grocery store. Ugh, Raley’s feels like home. You never quite know what characters you’ll find there or which no-longer-available products you’ll find at the back of the shelves.

I hope that this deep dive into the flaws of Trader Joe’s didn’t offend you too harshly. I have asked that my family members make their Instagram accounts private and that my location remain unknown, as I’m afraid of how you all will react to my take. Forgive me.

Written by: Kate Harges — klharges@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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