Things go south quickly
*knock knock*
“Hey Kate! We’re here to ask you 73 questions. Should we jump right into it?”
“Yeah, let’s do it!”
“Oops, would you mind removing the toaster from your doorway so I can come in?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry about that. The cord is too short to reach any outlet other than the one by the door. There’s something super humbling about squatting to place your three-seed bread into your floor toaster—really grounds you. It reminds you that, ‘Hey, we’re all just humans floating on this rock we call Earth.’ You know, once in therapy I learned that—”
“Sorry, I’m going to have to cut you off there so that we can move into the questions. First one: If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?”
“Are you offering me my favorite meal? Wow, thank you. It’s just that I’ve been eating the same dining commons pasta and stale graham crackers—”
“No, just hypothetically, what is your favorite meal?”
“Oh, my bad. Ok, I’d say anything other than the Flavor Blasted Goldfish I’ve been snacking on for the past few months. Quite uniquely, the intense flavor of the goldfish has caused my taste buds to mutate. I no longer react to flavor, and have lost my ability to enunciate, as my tongue has gone numb.”
“Alrighty, moving on from that. I love what you’ve done with the decor in here.”
“Thank you! Yeah, I spent hours on Pinterest dreaming up my ideal room but eventually settled on this. I consider it to be the perfect blend of a cluttered teenage boy’s room and a cutesy suburban mom’s kitchen. A little mother-son collaboration up in here.”
“Yeah, it’s uh, really nice. Now, Kate, how does a typical day look for you?”
“Well, uh. Wow, huh, I was not expecting this question. Well at 10 in the morning, I… well I guess I do homework from 10 am to 3 pm. Actually, no. Yeah, could we move on from that question?”
“Uh, yeah sure. What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?”
“Oh, what a sweet question! Well, a few weeks ago I actually got this super cute letter from my residence hall Community Advisor (C.A). It was pastel green and was written in this adorable font—Comic Sans I think. Turns out it was a notice, warning that if I continued to get noise complaints, there would be serious consequences. I thought that 10 was an appropriate volume to rewatch the Saturday Night Live skit of Pete Davidson and Timothee Chalamet, but I fear I was mistaken. It was just sweet that the C.A. even thought of me.”
*knock knock*
I opened the door, greeted by my C.A.
“Hey, we were just talking about you,” I said.
“We? It’s just you. Anyways, we’re getting noise complaints. Your neighbors are saying they hear you asking questions. Just please keep it down, thanks.”
Written by: Kate Harges — klharges@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
