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Friday, June 18, 2021

Teacher yet to learn swearing in class doesn’t make him cool

Never have the RateMyProfessor comments presented a more united front

Middle school was likely the last time an offhand curse word sparked any emotion in students’ hearts. Unfortunately, this fact has not been made known to Dr. Mitchell, a tenured professor in the history department, who recently attempted to win his students over with some low-level cussing. 

“It’s my secret weapon,” Dr. Mitchell said. “Sometimes you got to shock ‘em. Kids don’t realize how cool their teachers can be.”

Other secret weapons in Dr. Mitchell’s arsenal include subtly implying that he smoked weed in college, telling kids to “forget what you know” and sitting backward on his chair. Not all of his students, however, are sold on his tactics.

“He made us buy a textbook and then on the first day told us to throw it away because ‘experience’ was the real teacher,” said a student who requested anonymity. “That book was $140.”

Another student said, “He wants to be that cool teacher that’s going to make us reevaluate our life and love learning again. I just wish he’d grade our quizzes. It’s been four weeks.”

In Winter Quarter 2020, students began drafting a petition to end Dr. Mitchell’s awkward attempts at swearing once and for all. Also prohibited on the petition are the following: 

  • Excessive use of finger guns
  • Pretending to fall asleep and snore loudly during tests
  • Thirty minute breaks during which he makes students throw M&Ms into the air and tries to catch them in his mouth

Since the transition to Zoom, many students claim Dr. Mitchell has suffered a minor mental breakdown. In a recent lecture, Dr. Mitchell reportedly spent eight minutes changing his Zoom background to the Pyramids and dancing to The Bangles’ 1986 hit “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

“My students don’t know this, but I’m actually 45. They all think I’m in my early 30s,” Dr. Mitchell says. He cites his youthful glow and “J-chillin’ attitude” as the cause.

“It’s disconcerting when teachers act like they’re just another college kid,” adds another student. “He tried to skateboard into class and almost broke a hip. He’s like 60, I think.”

“Honestly, it would be entertaining if I wasn’t paying hundreds of dollars to be in this class. I’ve learned nothing,” said a third student. 

At the time of this article, Dr. Mitchell is on leave after he slipped and broke his wrist while trying to perform a pseudo-casual lean on a door frame. 

Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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