Updates from the Newsom recall
The effort to recall California Gov. Gavin Newsom has finally prevailed in its quest to trigger a statewide vote. In the weeks since the effort became official, many people have added their name to the growing list of candidates attempting to replace the carbon-hair, gel-based lifeform that we call Gov. Newsom.
This list includes former San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer, respected member of Team Wheaties Caitlyn Jenner and former gubernatorial candidate and businessman “The Beast” John Cox, along with his 1,000-pound Kodiak Bear. There is a noticeable absence from this list forcing us to ask: “Where are the action stars?”
If no action star throws their name into the hat, it will be a troubling sign for the effort to recall Newsom. Looking at the numbers, 100% of successful gubernatorial recall efforts in the U.S. that did not involve a candidate named Ragnvald A. Nestos resulted in an action star winning the recall effort.
What happened? There are many ideas out there. One campaign strategist, who wishes to remain nameless in order to avoid associating with myself or the humor section of The California Aggie, believes action stars were just not ready for this.
“They don’t have a PAC or anything like this, I guess,” they said. “They also are probably recovering from Arnold Schwarzenegger knocking up a maid and Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair. This isn’t a real political issue.”
It’s hard to imagine any of our modern day action stars jumping into the race at this point. The Rock might have bigger political goals. Are any of the MCU actors actually bankable action stars? Tom Cruise is a Scientologist. Jason Statham is English. Who knows, we’ll have to see if Vin Diesel can give it a run.
If this recall effort prevails, it will be against the odds. If this recall effort fails, we know why. Let’s hope one day action stars will be a viable force in our political system because at least they’re upfront about pretending to save the world.
Written By: Ean Kimura — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and/or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)