“You Tried.” Yes, quicktrophy.com, yes I did
I’d like to begin by outlining the participation trophies of my past:
2007: Little League Softball. “Everybody is a winner” (Oh please, Coach Rick. I sat in the dugout eating charred hotdogs that might lead to heart issues down the line. Winner is a bold statement).
2010: Swim team. “Most Improved” (If going from getting lapped twice to once in the span of three years counts as most improved, I’ll take it).
2014: Cross Country. “Participant” (Couldn’t have said it better myself).
2021: Survived a global pandemic. “Your name here.”
The trophies I received in 2007, 2010 and 2014 meant nothing to me. I was focused on the bag of sweaty orange slices and Capri Suns that accompanied the award ceremony. Receiving a participation trophy after this year of lockdown, however, would mean the world to me.
It’s been a tough year for everyone: dealing with isolation, working remotely, remaining healthy, unemployment, the removal of the feature on Instagram that allowed you to stalk what other people were doing on the app, etc. A tough year to say the least. Which leaves me wondering: Where are our awards? The most I’m getting from surviving a year of college during the pandemic are some crappy grades and a stiff side hug from my dad. With this in mind, you could see why I’m suggesting that everyone deserves a plastic participation trophy for simply enduring this terrible year.
Let’s consider potential figures and toppers for our trophies:
- A distressed woman laying on the floor after receiving her statistics grade, but like all trophy figures she’s super toned. I’d like to preorder this one.
- A man with a blanket over his shoulders and a bag of chips in hands to represent the quarantine lifestyle. Unfortunately, quicktrophy.com said he’d also have to be ripped.
- The Zoom logo with a slash across it because I think we’d all like to leave this application in our past.
As for plate engravings, here are some potential options:
- “Your therapist is proud of you”
- “Goodbye social distancing, hello new onset social anxiety”
- “You did your best”
I’m hoping to be in contact with Chancellor May to make this happen. I expect to see first-years posing like graduates in front of the Memorial Union with their trophy in hand rather than a champagne bottle.
Written by: Kate Harges — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)