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Tuesday, October 19, 2021

We all deserve participation trophies after this year

“You Tried.” Yes, quicktrophy.com, yes I did

I’d like to begin by outlining the participation trophies of my past:

2007: Little League Softball. “Everybody is a winner” (Oh please, Coach Rick. I sat in the dugout eating charred hotdogs that might lead to heart issues down the line. Winner is a bold statement).

2010: Swim team. “Most Improved” (If going from getting lapped twice to once in the span of three years counts as most improved, I’ll take it).

2014: Cross Country. “Participant” (Couldn’t have said it better myself).

2021: Survived a global pandemic. “Your name here.”

The trophies I received in 2007, 2010 and 2014 meant nothing to me. I was focused on the bag of sweaty orange slices and Capri Suns that accompanied the award ceremony. Receiving a participation trophy after this year of lockdown, however, would mean the world to me.

It’s been a tough year for everyone: dealing with isolation, working remotely, remaining healthy, unemployment, the removal of the feature on Instagram that allowed you to stalk what other people were doing on the app, etc. A tough year to say the least. Which leaves me wondering: Where are our awards? The most I’m getting from surviving a year of college during the pandemic are some crappy grades and a stiff side hug from my dad. With this in mind, you could see why I’m suggesting that everyone deserves a plastic participation trophy for simply enduring this terrible year.

Let’s consider potential figures and toppers for our trophies:

  1. A distressed woman laying on the floor after receiving her statistics grade, but like all trophy figures she’s super toned. I’d like to preorder this one.
  2. A man with a blanket over his shoulders and a bag of chips in hands to represent the quarantine lifestyle. Unfortunately, quicktrophy.com said he’d also have to be ripped.
  3. The Zoom logo with a slash across it because I think we’d all like to leave this application in our past.

As for plate engravings, here are some potential options:

  1. “Your therapist is proud of you”
  2. “Goodbye social distancing, hello new onset social anxiety”
  3. “You did your best”

I’m hoping to be in contact with Chancellor May to make this happen. I expect to see first-years posing like graduates in front of the Memorial Union with their trophy in hand rather than a champagne bottle.

Written by: Kate Harges — klharges@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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