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Tuesday, October 26, 2021

UC Davis housing now leaves complimentary candles so all dorms can equally smell like cows

“Now you can get that cow smell in, but never out!”

When it comes to housing, students have plenty of options these days, but none of them quite smell like the Tercero dorms.

The irreplaceable, constant and pungent stench of bovine has been the secret ingredient that has kept the Tercero dorms at the top of popularity charts for years now. Every year, disappointed students are forced to live in Segundo, Cuarto and even the unkempt wasteland across the bridge known as West Village.

But fear not my friends, for UCD housing has heard our cries for the sweet aroma of black-and-white-speckled mammals and has graced us with a new exclusive “UCD Cow-Scented Candle” that is complimentary for every student living in the dorms. 

Made by unpaid animal science interns using the leftover cow parts from the butchering process, these cow-scented candles allow you to enjoy the sweet, sweet smell of cow pies and dirt in your very own dorm. No matter how far you are from the Tercero cows, you’ll feel right at home with a little slice of Davis pride literally with you. In the candle. Because it’s made of cows. And probably horses too.

And don’t worry about setting off the smoke alarms with your new cud-chewing candles. UCD housing has dismantled every dorm room’s smoke alarm to make sure that students can enjoy as many candles as they want, 24/7 and 365 days a year. Have one burning while you work on that organic chemistry lab. Heck, maybe two, or three or 69? And when you need a pick-me-up after class, leave a couple lit in your room before you leave, and when you get back, your nostrils will feel like they’ve been shocked by a cattle prod of aromatic manure flavor.

Students have been just raving about their new candles, with many making remarks such as:

“I love the new candles. Wearing a mask means that I don’t get to appreciate the cow smell that usually wafts over all of Davis during the day, but now that I’ve got a UCD Cow-Scented Candle, I come home everyday to a room filled to the brim with a thick, poignant whiff of cow.”

Another student added:

“Yeah, the candles are nice, but ever since they took the smoke alarms down, the fire alarm has been running almost nonstop because people keep accidentally setting their stuff on fire. I haven’t slept in days, and I’m on a first-name basis with the local fire department—but hey, the dorms smell like cows at least.”

Make sure to get your candle today! Just sign in with your UC Davis ID at www.gunrocksstenchemporium.com for your new, complimentary candles and free removal of a smoke alarm of your choice. 

Stay fragrant, Aggies!

Written by: Ian Cosner — iacosner@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and/or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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