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Saturday, November 27, 2021

Welcome to the hottest new game show: Was this email written by a drunk 8-year-old or your tenured professor?

When the emojis come out, it’s anybody’s guess

Host: Hello and welcome to UC Davis’ newest and only gameshow! Joining us today are three undergraduates who will compete for the most sacred prize of all: two points of extra credit. Let’s meet our contestants. Tyrone, it says here that you’re a first-quarter senior who’s considering switching from chemical engineering to anthropology. How are your parents feeling about that, Tyrone?

Tyrone: What is “not good,” John?

Host: My name is not John and this is not “Jeopardy.” Sasha, let’s hear a bit from you. Is it true that you’ve been dating the same guy since sophomore year of high school?

Sasha: It sure is! 

Host: And how is that relationship going?

Sasha: Pretty bad, John. We both went to the same college because we thought we would last forever and now we cheat on each other constantly.

Host: Again, my name is not John. I’m not actually allowed to have a name. Let’s move on to Jake. Jake is actually a cinema and digital media major and this gameshow is a major requirement for him. Oh, he’s already asleep. Anyway, let’s get started! Audience, what’s the name of the game?

Audience [garbled and out of time]: Was this email written by a drunk 8-year-old or your tenured professor?

Host: In fairness, that chant was a lot to ask of you. Alright, the first email is this: “K. Sent from my iPad.” Contestants, what do you think?

Sasha: I’m going to say “professor.”

Host: You are correct! This is the same professor who shows you 45 photos of her high school-aged children and will never grade the syllabus quiz. Next email, “u can sohw up whenever :).”

Tyrone: What is “professor”?

Host: No luck, that was actually a drunk 8-year-old. We let him run around an abandoned Chuck-E-Cheese and he found tequila in a hamster bottle. Oh look, Jake’s waking up. Jake, listen. This is essential for your major. You might not graduate if — and he’s asleep again. [pauses] Hear that? The sound of people passive-aggressively zipping up their backpacks means we’re out of time. Sasha, congratulations! What will you do with your two extra credit points?

Sasha: I think I’m just going to have sex with Tyrone. 

Tyrone: Sweet!

Host: Alright. Audience, don’t forget to not do the reading for next time! This has been…

Audience [overlapping and muddled]: Was this email written by a drunk 8-year-old or your tenured professor?

Host: We’ll work on it. 

Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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