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Saturday, November 27, 2021

Humor: After years of disrespect, UC Davis archaeologist uncovers untold treasures fossilized in gum underneath desks all over campus

“Who knew history could be so sticky!”

By IAN COSNER — iacosner@ucdavis.edu 

COVID-19 has changed a lot of things, but with the return of in-person classes and heightened public health concerns, students get to enjoy an unexpected benefit of this unique school year. In accordance with mandatory COVID-19 safety regulations, the university has finally had all desks and chairs throughout campus thoroughly de-gummed. 

That’s right everybody, this means that for the first time since you arrived on campus, your legs will no longer brush against the hard, sticky, sugar-free goodness that has somehow inhabited every single chair you’ve ever sat on. No longer will you have to try and repress that your BIS 2A midterm rests only a mere inch above someone’s desiccated mouth juices petrified into resin, wax and elastomer. No longer — now you can lounge to your heart’s content during class and live a sticky-free life as long as no one ever chews gum again!

But for the historians out there, fret not, for UC Davis archaeologists have preserved every piece of pasty, expectorate-covered plaster in hopes of uncovering the untold history of students. They have already discovered a myriad of wonderful relics going all the way back to the ‘90s. Whether it’s old Capri Sun packages, hacky sacks or pogs, it’s truly remarkable to know that this disgusting habit of leaving saliva-ridden garbage on a piece of public furniture has lasted throughout the decades.

But recently, UC Davis archaeologists uncovered something even more surprising than worthless ‘90s memorabilia. Using new, unlicensed cloning technology developed by UC Davis genetics students, researchers were able to revive a Gunrock clone directly from the ‘90s. 

While this old-school Gunrock may be a bit different from our current blue-haired monstrosity, with its mohawk hair, unreasonable obsession with ska music and infatuation with “Xtreme” sports, it’s still the original horse that this university has, for some reason, based its entire identity around. 

The new-old Gunrock, or Gunrock 2: The Sequel, will be seen around campus, taking classes, skateboarding through the Arboretum and absolutely demolishing folks at ultimate frisbee. So if you’re feeling nostalgic for a decade that was best known for Will Smith and being “radical,” look no further than our lovely new mascot, a weird blue horse with a mohawk that keeps asking you if you wanna play pogs. 

Written by: Ian Cosner — iacosner@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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