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Saturday, January 22, 2022

Humor: UC Davis reallocates funds from stem cell research to lip fillers for Eggheads

Ya hear that Kylie?

By KATE HARGES — klharges@ucdavis.edu

Upon touring UC Davis as a wee high school student, I found myself conflicted. Such a beautiful campus, with academics ranked at the top of the charts and thousands upon thousands of unique students. Yet, those pasty round sculptures known as the Eggheads haunted me, making me wonder if Davis was the right place for me. 

Robert Arnesson is the sculptor of the famous Eggheads that adorn the UC Davis campus. The Eggheads are incredibly unique and special to the Davis community, and while they initially scared me, I have now come to treasure them. 

But I still can’t get past one thing: their lips. Arnesson perfected their facial expressions, shape and symbolism of the structures. However, he seemed to have failed in giving the Eggheads voluptuous lips. After noticing this fatal flaw, I brought this issue up to the good people of Davis. I was met with agreement, excitement and desire for some action to be made.

With a group of people in favor of the Egghead lip fillers, we took the issue up with the UC Davis administration. It turns out our protest signs and chants yelling, “Hey hey, ho ho, those Egghead lips have got to go” weren’t even necessary. With no hesitation, the administration decided to reallocate funds from their extensive stem cell research to lip fillers for the Eggheads.

While the Eggheads haven’t received their fillers yet, ASUCD is in contact with the producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. With the amount of funds going into the procedure, UC Davis wants it to be perfect, which means getting in contact with the experts.

So start celebrating for these Egghead glow ups! Oh and hey — you’re not supposed to know this, but apparently somebody spotted the Yin & Yang Eggheads sharing the latest edition of People Magazine, just for some inspiration.

Written by: Kate Harges — klharges@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and/or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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