“All cars are 50% off! Even the ones that still have owners”
By IAN COSNER — email@example.com
Parking has always been a nightmare, but what better way to usher in an already confusing and difficult transition into in-person school than to completely rehaul the parking system!
Last year, UC Davis planned on ending its school parking pass system in exchange for a new partnership with ParkMobile, a parking app that allows students to pay for parking through their phone. As horrendous as that sounds, luckily there was a miscommunication and Davis accidentally donated all the parking lots to Pickle Larry’s Crazy Car Carnival, a used car lot whose owner planned on donating their own land to the university.
So what does that mean for the average begrudging student that has to wake up an hour earlier, waste money on gas and parking and deal with traffic because of in-person school? Well fret not, because all the possible problems that would’ve happened with the ParkMobile app, such as:
A 69% increase in fares for students and staff; a buggy app that can’t differentiate between the parking lot and Putah Creek; an array of signs on campus that are both pointless and not pointless due to the app not registering the difference between teacher and student parking and requiring you to do the thing it should be designed to do itself.
These grievances are all relics of the past, because under the reign of Pickle Larry, you no longer need to worry about parking fees, lettered zones or tickets. The Crazy Carnival allows all students and staff to park wherever they like on campus completely free of charge! The only catch is that if your car is in any school parking lot, Pickle Larry is legally allowed to sell your car for profit.
That’s right, folks — the Car Carnival has come back with a vengeance, looking to stake a profit off of your barely functional 2000 Pontiac Aztek. Cars are being sold for dirt cheap, no matter the condition, because the second they leave the lot, Pickle Larry no longer has the rights to your car. And while Larry is the kind of person that’s always been known for his preposterous prices, this time the panicked, perplexed pawnman has found himself in quite the pernicious pickle.
“I’ve always prided myself as being a common, sensible man,” Larry said. “I’m just a normal down-to-earth guy, like everyone else. I put on my pickle suit one leg at a time. A true dealer of the people, you could say.”
When the Aggie asked if he meant “dealer for the people,” Larry responded, “Oh no, no no no. I’m a dealer of the people. I take the cars of other people and sell them. Sometimes even with their consent.”
While the situation may not be ideal for most non-pickle students, UC Davis has stated the Car Carnival will have full reign of the parking lots until the school can scrounge up enough money from unnecessary stuff like janitors, stop signs and UC Davis Health medical services to buy back the land. So, while we embrace the Car Carnival, make sure to keep an eye out for any plotting pickles planning to pilfer your Porsche. Whether losing your car is worth free parking is up to you, but hey, at least you don’t have to download an app.
Written by: Ian Cosner — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)