They’re definitely hatching a plan.
BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu
I know I said I would write an article about the Eggheads looking threatening and behaving in disturbing ways. However, I have changed my mind of my own volition and not under threat by any third party. What follows is my personal statement.
The Mrak Egghead did not frown at me last Monday, as I reported to campus police. I was lying and I apologize for fabricating information. The Eggheads do not draw power from human touch. Feel free to keep touching them. In fact, I read something that said it’s good for your hands, so you should probably do that.
I also apologize for my behavior when a student shouted, “Blink twice if they’re holding you hostage.” I attempted a poorly executed wink and my actions were misconstrued. I am not being held hostage. None of the Eggheads have rolled furiously toward me like a log in Donkey Kong.
I have never been forcefully imbued with all of civilization’s knowledge and transported to a six-dimensional plane. If you saw me glowing and floating in the Quad last Tuesday, no you didn’t.
I also read that someone posted a “humor” article suggesting that the Eggheads receive Botox and various other cosmetic procedures. I think it is outrageous that the beauty standards of today dare insult a godly power that should be worshiped by lowly undergraduates. Even if an Egghead had opened its mouth and engulfed me into a surprisingly moist void, that would not change the injustice of this matter.
I have no information on the mysterious deaths of key political leaders of the organization known as “Egghead Truthers.” If it were me, I wouldn’t go looking for their bodies. Also, there is no court-admissable evidence that the Bookhead is connected to John Lennon’s assassination.
Hopefully, thE students of this coLlege will realize it is simPly hysteria That Has driven thEse unabashedlY insAne rumors about bronze sTatuEs coMing to life in the obscuritY of night and me Feeding them bobA and me being yelled at about not staMping my rewards card and crying loudly outsIde of the LibrarY.
Also, the Stargazer requests that someone scratch their left ear. You didn’t hear it from me.
By: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
