The power of students’ voices has gone too far
BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — firstname.lastname@example.org
On the announced day of the online continuation, the entire student body simultaneously let out a groan of combined disappointment, relief and frustration so deafening it physically disturbed the surrounding area. Food trucks rumbled, Unitrans buses toppled and squirrels fell from the trees like rodent angels. Even engineering majors would have been disturbed if they ever went outside.
All this chaos from the collective lament of UC Davis, our pitiful excuse for the UCLA midnight yell. At least, this is what the Yolo County authorities want you to believe. It’s a ridiculous conspiracy that’s foiled too many students.
Here’s the truth. COVID-19, Tercero methane fumes and a rogue chem lab have combined to create Davis’ first official supervillain. His name is Peter Waterman, a third-year biology major living in North Davis.
He’s the man who’s really behind Davis’ recent supernatural event. A natural baritone, upon hearing the news, Peter let out a howl so powerful it caused a power outage in the surrounding apartments. It upset the air pressure. It caused a local species of beetle to go extinct. Don’t worry so much about that; we have a lot of beetle species. But the guy is generally a menace.
“Nice guy. Blew up my car with his laser eyes,” says Jim, Peter’s roommate.
And the cows that got knocked over? Peter didn’t even use his superpowers for that one. He just knocked them over. I barely tolerate biology majors to begin with, but that’s crossing the line.
Plus, he absolutely wrecked the curve in physics. I could’ve had an A. What am I supposed to tell my mother, Peter?
We haven’t even considered the environmental ramifications of Peter’s continued existence on campus. Surely, his toxic blood is having some effect on the water supply. And I have it on good authority that Peter rarely recycles. Which is, like, obviously, not good either. So.
Davis faculty and administration have been protecting him for the same reason so many horrible people get protected: He’s good at lacrosse. Pretty sure using your Superman strength to vault over other players with the lacrosse stick is a violation of gameplay rules, but I’m not an expert. Lacrosse is a lawless land.
Regardless, this has gone on too long. Just listen to what his UC Davis peers have to say:
“Nice guy. One time I knocked over his empty coffee mug and he threatened to sell my family on the Martian black market,” says Jim, Peter’s roommate. I couldn’t find a lot of people to interview.
It’s time for a new petition. A petition to designate Hart Hall a containment area and lock Peter in there forever. Or at least until we can find a radioactive spider to bite Gary May.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — email@example.com
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)