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Thursday, September 29, 2022

Humor: What your major says about the crimes you’ll commit to pay off student loans

Human rights minors, I’m watching you very carefully

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

  • Animal Science: Animal gravedigging.
  • Applied Physics: First of all, what is applied physics? I apply physics every time I push someone on an electric skateboard into the street — no one has offered me a bachelor’s yet. 
  • Art Studio: Forgery.
  • Art History: Historical forgery.
  • Atmospheric Science: Broadcast meteorologist who becomes drunk on fame and attacks an intern with a cloud-shaped prop live on television.
  • Biomedical Engineering: Scary robot crimes.
  • Chemistry: Illegal fireworks operations.
  • Cinema and Digital Media: Creative espionage.
  • Civil Engineering: Failure to apply erosion control on active construction sites.
  • Computer Science and Engineering: Who am I kidding? Congrats on financial security, bro.
  • Genetics and Genomics: “Jurassic Park” stuff. Jeff Goldblum was right.
  • Entomology: I don’t know, but I’m scared.
  • Environmental Horticulture and Urban Forestry: Illegally growing weed in your apartment.
  • Food Science: Cooking the books, ​​fudging the numbers, etc. 
  • French: Publicly annoying me via excessive use of vowels. G’et ooute ouf mye fàcé.
  • International Relations: World War III.
  • Managerial Economics: Embezzlement.
  • Marine and Coastal Science: Training dolphins to commit “Ocean’s Eleven”-style heists.
  • Pharmaceutical Chemistry: Drugs, duh.
  • Philosophy: Premeditated murder.
  • Political Science: Public corruption, but in a fun way.
  • Religious Studies: Starting a cult, which isn’t technically a crime, so good for you.
  • Psychology: Also starting a cult, but this one involves crime.
  • Theatre and Dance: Treason.
  • Undeclared: Credit card fraud, general.
  • Viticulture and Enology: Rebottling wine from Trader Joe’s and selling it for $900 a pop. Honestly, you did nothing wrong.
  • Wildlife, Fish and Conservation Biology: Oyster piracy.

Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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