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Thursday, September 29, 2022

Things to do on Unitrans that aren’t technically illegal

Those drivers have it too easy

 

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

 

  1. Lick the side of the bus. 
  2. Enter the bus by walking backward. 
  3. Read a copy of my newest book, “100 People Who Have Died Gruesome Deaths on a Public Bus.” (Signed copies are very much available.)
  4. Ask people on the top of the double-decker what the weather is like up there. Laugh before they respond.
  5. Wear between four and seven pairs of glasses at the same time. 
  6. Talk a first-year biological sciences major out of pursuing pre-med.
  7. Mumble 17th-century poetry and glare at other passengers in a way that implies that, as a teenager, you empathized too much with Holden Caulfield from “The Catcher in the Rye.”
  8. Tell people, “This is my first time. I’m so nervous.” Refuse to clarify.
  9. Turn your earbuds all the way up so that the person next to you is forced to hear Justin Bieber’s debut album, “My World,” the way they might hear it if their upstairs neighbor played it through a janky speaker. 
  10. Talk a third-year film major into pursuing pre-med.
  11. Smell really good. Like, suspiciously good.
  12. Drop a massive stack of papers into a puddle just as you’re about to step onto the bus. Scream, “My research! My research!” Get on your knees. Try and fail to gather your papers. When passersby try to assist you, cry “It’s gone! My research!” When you try to stand, fall into the puddle. 
  13. Grind someone else’s teeth.
  14. Sit down next to someone wearing a shirt with the logo of your favorite band. Mention that you’re a fan. Watch her eyes light up as she tells you she’s going to their concert next week. Realize that, without even thinking about it, you’re flirting. Talk with her the whole ride, learn her major, that she hates the flavor of oranges, she thinks Pulp Fiction is a solidly B+ movie, she follows college baseball. She loves your favorite books and grew up just down the block from you. She doesn’t drink coffee, but she loves root beer. When the bus arrives at its destination, accidentally drop your phone and thank her when she picks it up and offers it to you. Think about asking her for her number, asking her to coffee sometime, asking her anything witty and engaging instead of standing there like an idiot. Stand there like an idiot. Get nudged by someone behind you trying to get off the bus. Realize you’ve missed your chance when she gives a half-wave goodbye. Think of her the rest of the day. Think about her when you’re trying and failing to fall asleep. Think about her every time you take the bus for a week and hold your breath when her stop comes around like that might make her appear. Move on with your life. Go to school, go to work. Ignore when someone brings up what a perfect movie Pulp Fiction was. Wake up late for your morning discussion. Run to the bus. Slide into the last available seat. Check your phone and watch the time tick as you become five minutes, six minutes, seven minutes late. Finally arrive at the Silo, dash onto the curb, nearly smash into someone carrying a brightly-colored smoothie, and end up face to face with her. Say “Thank God” without meaning to and then, in the same breath, ask if she wants to get a root beer sometime. Watch her smile. Get her number and practically skip to class, forgetting that you’re 27 minutes late. Go out with her. Watch baseball games with her. Introduce her to your friends. Move in with her. Graduate, get a job, marry her. Have no kids and two dogs. Celebrate every anniversary. Grow old together, really old, and pass away peacefully in your sleep. Her first, then you, 20 minutes later, utterly content. 
  15. Wear a full suit of chainmail. 
  16. While riding the bus, hold some water in your cupped hands. Aquafina or Dasani preferred.
  17. Hold your feet exactly 12 inches above the ground while seated.
  18. As you step off the bus, tell the driver, “You’re welcome.”

 

Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

 

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