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Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Grandparent mortality rates up 50 percent during midterm season

Students beware, your care packages and homemade cookies may be at risk

 

By AUDREY ZHANG –  aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

 

Very real and legitimate scientists have discovered a correlation between grades and grannies. There’s a significant uptick in mortality rates amongst seniors, especially those with a grandchild in college.

One very real scientist said, “It’s all that ambient stress in the air. Grandparents are reminded of their own college grind and they’re too weak to handle it. A similar phenomenon happens the day before Christmas and forgotten birthdays. It’s why so many gifts get lost in the mail.”

Results may be a little skewed due to the business practices of one Oskar Sam, who has “died” 42 times this week.

“I do fake funerals, untimely strokes and falls, and heart attacks,” Sam said. “My contact number is–”

The scientists assured us that Oskar Sam’s “deaths” were excluded from the data, and that their own business gets you a much better dead grandparent at much better rates. They haven’t been getting much work lately. UC Davis focus groups say it’s because their slogan “Is your grandparent alive? Do you need them to not be?” targets a very different market.

This has deeply impacted the community. One unfortunate soul has lost five different grandparents this week. Each one of his professors was told a different name, as well as his roommates. We asked him how he felt about the scientists’ findings.

“Five!? That’s terrible,” Joe Schmoe said. “Oh wait, I thought you were talking about my chemistry grade. Nevermind.” What we can only assume is his sixth grandpa came to visit him at his dorm during the interview. What a brave soul.

Jane Doe struggled not to cry when giving her statement. “Grandpa Oskar always loved calculus, he spent his final days solving math problems. I don’t think I can go into that classroom without thinking of him. And I know I’m not the only one. Maybe we can just . . . cancel it altogether?”

Professors are scrambling to accommodate in the wake of this series of unfortunate events.

“I hope we can all spare some kindness for everyone affected by this tragedy,” Professor Whats-His-Name said. “I know my own students will be understanding of me taking an extra few months in grading their papers. My own grandfather passed away just yesterday, after all.”

 

Written by: Audrey Zhang – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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