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Davis, California

Monday, March 4, 2024

Aggie Math

I don’t check my bank account because I don’t need that toxicity


By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu


Girl Math, a comforting concept in this money-driven, neo-capitalistic society — the idea that some purchases simply do not count. Here are some examples of Aggie Math here on the Davis Campus.


  • Anything you purchased with Aggie Cash does not count (It’s like Monopoly money.) (You literally paid for it.)
  • A sweet drink from Peet’s after you bombed a midterm does not count
  • A sweet drink from Peet’s after you slayed a midterm does not count and actually puts money into your bank account
  • A yerb purchased with your TxMx does not count (The burrito was only 7 dollars so a 3 dollar drink just rounds it out, honestly.)
  • Canes bought from 1:45-3:00 a.m. doesn’t count (You’re just draaaaank.)
  • Pizza from the Coho does not count (It’s like 3 dollars which is basically nothing.)
  • Your first two purchases at the vintage fair do not count (You’re boosting the local economy.)
  • Any breakfast bought after an 8 a.m. class does not count (You are a survivor.)
  • If your friend buys you a boba and you buy them a boba, the two cancel out to zero
  • UC Davis merch discounted by more than 10 percent, it’s basically free
  • Getting a double over a single at the coffee house does not count if the barista gave you a longing stare and austere smile as you dug around your bag for your card (You were seduced into it so it doesn’t count.)
  • If you go on a bad Tinder date and they pay for your meal, you can use the money you would have spent on food to buy hot clothes (Clearly, you need them to attract better dates.)


Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu


Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)



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