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Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Crystal girl may be expelled after bringing rose quartz into an exam

All that luck is going to mess with the curve

 

By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

 

One week ago, a first-year undergraduate student was reported to the Office of Student Support and Judicial Affairs for having an unfair advantage in the CHE 2A midterm exam. The anonymous report stated, “We were only allowed to bring a calculator, a pen/pencil and our student ID. She brought in crystals and it was really distracting, which is probably the reason why I failed. Also, if I had known we could bring lucky crystals, I definitely would have performed better.”

The student was brought in for questioning because UC Davis takes these matters very seriously — especially when the student allegedly brought drugs into the exam. At least, that’s what the Judicial Affairs assumed crystals were. “Crystals? Like crystal meth?!” one intern exclaimed.

It turns out that the crystals she brought in were just little rocks. Sadly, when the student was accused of having crystal meth in the chemistry exam, she burst into tears and was inconsolable for about an hour. Then, she demanded to get her father’s lawyer on the phone. The office tried to explain that it wasn’t that deep but she insisted.

Whilst waiting for her lawyer, she dug into her Doc Marten boots, pulled out some more crystals and laid them on the questioning table. There was one piece of rose quartz that was fairly huge. Officials were unsure how she fit that one into her boot. “Why didn’t you just keep your crystals in your boot during the exam?” one official asked. Apparently, the crystals needed to charge in the fluorescent light of the lecture hall.

Her father’s lawyer called to cancel the appointment since he “had more important cases to attend to.” In the meantime, Judicial Affairs got in contact with the professor and he clarified that he didn’t really care that she brought her crystals. The professor examined the crystals and they weren’t even real — there was a “Made in China” sticker on the bottom. He was heard muttering, “Those crystals aren’t even helpful” on his way out. The professor looked a little annoyed because he had to leave his research lab to sort out this problem, according to my sources. Later that week, this professor announced that he would be taking a break from lecturing at the university in order to focus on his research.

The undergraduate student was released without any charges added to her record. On her way out of the building, she was observed holding the crystals up to the sunlight. She must have another exam coming up.

 

Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

 

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