Put the pedal to the metal!
By AUDREY ZHANG — email@example.com
UC Davis’ title as the biking capital of California is under threat. UC Berkeley recently declared plans to open a new School of Clownery to try and consolidate all their idiots into one contained place. This year marks the completion of Berkeley’s newest campus, where students are required to wear face paint and travel by unicycle.
Chancellor Gary May released a statement yesterday morning on how our university could defend its title and keep its No.1 spot for most biking accidents in a week. Starting Monday, Unitrans buses will be replaced by giant tandem bicycles. It’s the natural step to UC Davis’ commitment to a greener and sillier campus. Other benefits will include saving on gas costs, great-looking legs and a significant decrease in sitting next to someone who smells like they haven’t showered in days.
These Unibikes will seat approximately 70 students at maximum capacity and can travel at the same speed as the old Unitrans — as long as none of those passengers skipped leg day. There will be no coverage to protect them from rain, as scientists recently made the groundbreaking discovery that people will move (and bike) faster to get out of unpleasant dampness. UC Davis engineering students are already working on the double decker Unibike, too. Those sitting on the second floor will be given bike pedals to use so that they can feel like they’re contributing, even if the pedals aren’t attached to any wheels.
There has been a petition to opt for the far more festive party bikes instead, like the ones driven by drunk tourists in Napa Valley at 10 a.m. Advocates have yet to realize that if UC Davis were to adopt these bikes, the party mood would be significantly impacted by impending classes and the lack of alcohol to cope.
Student responses to this coming change have been ambivalent, since most believe that this is all just some big joke. They’re not wrong.
Written by: Audrey Zhang — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)