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Sunday, April 14, 2024

Here is what your New Year’s Resolutions should be

Are you really capable of the reflection required to implement lasting, valuable changes in your life? No, you aren’t, and that’s why I did it for you 


By GEETIKA MAHAJAN— giamahajan@ucdavis.edu 


Let’s be honest; most peoples’ New Year’s resolutions would not pass a turnitin.com plagiarism test. Every list, every year, is the same unoriginal BS; in January, you swear off junk food and promise yourself you’ll finally read that one book you’ve always wanted to finish, and from March to December, your sugar-free snacks just collect dust and take up space. As does the copy of “Ulysses”/”War and Peace”/”The Odyssey.” But you want me to believe that 2024 is the year you finally break that cycle? Okay. Sure. See, the problem is that you think these resolutions are going to quantifiably improve the quality of your life — and when they don’t, it’s easy to give up. That’s because you’re not lucky enough to have problems as surface-level or easily fixable as poor eating habits or illiteracy; your issues go much deeper than that. Fortunately, I have curated this very helpful and highly specific guide as to what your resolution should be based on my own personal observation. Please internalize what I’m saying here. I wrote this because most of you guys annoy me. 


Ugly guys with girlfriends: This list is not for you sweetie 🙂 you just stop reading here. 

Girls with ugly boyfriends: Girl, dump him, please. 

Everybody on “WaterTok”: Congratulations on somehow inventing a drinking problem that doesn’t involve alcohol. I know I said that poor eating habits weren’t the issue, but come on. Your water is neon pink and sparkly — you’re drinking a Stanley Cup full of chaser. Next time you fill a glass of water, challenge yourself! Try to drink it without adding two tablespoons of sugar. You can do it. I believe in you. 

The Spotify Intern Who Keeps Queuing “Bags” by Clairo After Every Song I Play: I know what you think about me, you loser. Stop. That’s all I want you to do this new year. Joke’s not funny anymore. And if you’re going to keep running the same track you could at least make it the Electric Lady Studios version…

Swifties: You guys are wasting your skills. Get a hobby (a real one) or join the CIA. 

Taylor Swift: Girl if you don’t give the atmosphere a damn BREAK put the keys to the jet DOWN and go record “Woodvale.” 

“Succession” Stans: It’s four rich white people. Stop crying. They’ll be ok, I promise. 

People who got Burlington as their Spotify Wrapped Location: You want to go to therapy. You want to go to therapy so freaking bad.

Everyone who bought the Starbucks x Stanley cup: I don’t even have a joke for you. Consumerism rots your brain from the inside out. That cup is so ugly you should burn it. 


Anyone and Everyone working at Glossier Inc: I know about a million people have asked/pleaded/begged on their knees for you to bring the old Glossier You formula back. I’m not going to do that, okay? Relax. I just want you to tell me why. Because there’s no way you guys aren’t doing this on purpose. I know you see those comments I KNOW YOU SEE EVERYBODY’S COMMENTS. Like, there has to be a reason you’re ignoring them, right? Is it some kind of inside joke? Have you been cursed? Just tell me. I’m not gonna tell anyone else. I promise. Just tell me. Come on just tell m-

Geminis: We as a collective need to move towards embracing the toxicity and manipulation everybody assumes we’re capable of because I personally am sick of getting all the heat that comes with being two-faced and backstabbing without any of the fun.

All the other signs: I have no thoughts or feelings about you guys you can keep doing what you’re doing or do something completely different I really don’t gaf this is not a goddamn horoscope. 

Merriam-Webster: Why is motherquake not in the dictionary yet. Your 2024 resolution is put motherquake in the dictionary. 


Written by: Geetika Mahajan — giamahajan@ucdavis.edu 


Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)



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