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Friday, April 12, 2024

Broke man spotted at the Silo Market

Aggies, stand on business

 

By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

 

I was perusing the Silo market the other day during my gap between classes, starving and needing to eat lunch before my next lecture. Usually, I hit up the pre-made sandwich and salad section to get my pathetic turkey and cheddar on a wheat sandwich. Sadly, they were out. Nothing else looked appetizing or affordable. 

This was when something caught my eye — a couple wearing matching plaid pajamas in the line for Boar’s Head sandwiches. I decided against my better judgment and got in line behind them since my struggle meal had fallen through the cracks. It was quite nauseating to witness their public displays of affection. The amount of times I had to hear “Babe, stoppppp” made me pull out my noise-canceling headphones. 

When it was their turn to order, there was a lot of giggling and playful slaps to the arm. I’m not sure what’s so funny about a sandwich. Then there was another playful slap elsewhere, and I was officially over getting a sandwich. I looked over at the Boar’s Head employee and they had a very unamused look on their face.

“Babe, why don’t you want yours toasteddd,” the girl whined. As her sandwich was being toasted, they entered into a long embrace. It took everything in me to continue to keep my straight face. I looked over at the Boar’s Head employee and he looked like he wanted to get his head toasted. 

I was counting the seconds it took for their sandwiches to get wrapped up and taken to the register. She was standing in front of him in line, so she made it to the register first. He moved out from behind her, and just as I thought he was about to take over at the register, he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her from behind. Oh no. I’ve never seen this in person. The Broke Man Hug. 

I looked at the employee running the register and she had the same unamused look on her face that I did. 

“Babe, don’t worry I got the next one. You have way more Aggie Cash than I do,” the broke man said — obviously lying.

She whipped out her Aggie card and swiped it at the register. They got their sandwiches and left the Silo Market holding hands, off to haunt the rest of campus with their disgusting young love. I was so busy paying attention to them leaving that I didn’t notice that my sandwich was also completed.

“Aggie Cash or card?” the employee asked. I let out a loud laugh and the employee didn’t seem amused. 

“Card.”

Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu

 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

 

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