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Saturday, April 20, 2024

Horoscope reader 100% accurate 50% of the time

Are you alive, human and reading this right now? Egads, she’s done it again!


By AUDREY ZHANG — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu


Legendary horoscope reader Hocus Bogus has released her monthly predictions to her loyal followers. All she asks is that you only look at your own zodiac sign reading. Do not read anything else.


Cancer: You’re probably human. As most people are, this is a very safe claim to make.

Taurus: You have likely felt emotions at some point in your life.

Capricorn: If you eat only meat, you will eventually contract a magical condition called scurvy.

Virgo: If you eat only gummy bears, you will eventually contract a magical condition called not being alive.

Gemini: Your lucky numbers are the last three digits of your social security number. Hocus Bogus says that if you mail them to her, she will interpret them free of charge. Don’t waste this chance! 

Aquarius: You will go to the parking lot on Ninth Street. You will leave a check of $5,000 made out to one Hocus Bogus. You will hide it underneath the fire hydrant. It will bring you…luck or something. Just do it.

Libra: This month, you will be breathing. That’s so Libra of you. 

Sagittarius: Are you aware that you subconsciously block out the feeling of your tongue in your mouth? Now you are.

Leo: This month goes great for Leos. But if you are a Leo named Leo, listen carefully. Wednesday, 2:04 p.m., you will receive a phone call from an unknown number. Do not pick it up. Go home and leave garlic on your windows. Do not answer your front door. Do not mess this up.

Aries: You will find every Leo you know and call them on Wednesday, 2:04 p.m. Why? It will be really funny.

Pisces: At some point, you will die.

Scorpio: At some point, you will realize that it’s difficult to come up with unique situations for 12 different things and resort to writing random words. Popsicle.


If you read all of them and realized that they all applied to you, then this means you don’t follow directions very well. That’s such a Cancer-Taurus-Capricorn-Virgo-Gemini-Aquarius- Libra-Sagittarius-Leo-Aries-Pisces-Scorpio thing to do! 


Written by: Audrey Zhang — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu


Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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