Is this salt or sugar?
By AUDREY ZHANG – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
I know it. You know it. We’re broke college students and, even worse, mediocre cooks. Don’t sweat it. Here are several easy recipes that even the most hopeless beginner could make. You won’t be impressing Gordon Ramsay anytime soon, but at least you won’t starve.
- This can be microwaved, right?
Ingredients: one styrofoam cup, two boiled eggs, three sheets of aluminum foil
Step 1: Do not consult the internet. Instead, throw all three ingredients into the microwave. Nuke that baby.
Step 2: Some of you will set off the fire alarm at this point. This is normal. Feel free to add Tupperware to the cooking process if you are unsatisfied with your fire alarm volume.
Step 3: Cash in on your renter’s insurance to pay for DoorDash. You will have to find an apartment that hasn’t been burned down to repeat this recipe.
2. Empty fridge
Ingredients: Maybe one slice of bread and one dead bug, if you’re lucky.
Step 1: Open the fridge and stare inside like that will magically make food appear. Use this time to figure out what you can make.
Step 2: Decide you weren’t that hungry anyway.
3. Angry roommate
Ingredients: Whatever is on your roommate’s side of the fridge.
Step 1: Make sure no one is looking.
Step 2: Profit.
Step 3: This is vital. After your third time making this, start checking your dish for laxatives.
4. Icarus
Ingredients: one fanciful whim, one aesthetic recipe off the internet
Step 1: Check your Pinterest board. You can totally make homemade mayonnaise.
Step 2: Realize some of the ingredients are expensive. You can use something else, right? Mayo can’t be that fussy.
Step 8: Miss a few instructions. It’s alright; just eat the raw egg and try again next time.
5. Unholy abomination
Ingredients: Anything. Nothing. It’s up to you. You are God.
Step 1: Every college student knows how to make this. It’s ingrained in our DNA; just close your eyes and listen to those primal instincts. Soon, you’ll have a gummy bear sandwich with food poisoning sauce in front of you.
Written by: Audrey Zhang – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
