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Monday, April 15, 2024

Here it is: the totally official Davis animal ranking

Ever wonder which animal is the G.O.A.T? Look no further

 

By MALCOLM LANGE — mslange@ucdavis.edu

 

With so many animals here on campus, UC Davis students have pondered the essential question of which is the best. Well, there are so many to choose from: we have cows, squirrels, cats, turkeys and so many more. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it any longer, because we are going to determine, objectively, the best Davis animal here and now. 

Firstly, we are going to exclude certain animals right off the bat. The first animals excluded are the Davis locals —- just kidding. The real animals to be excluded are the goats and horses. This is only because I do not know where they are and have not seen them yet. If I haven’t seen them, then how can I pet them? Yes, most, if not the whole ranking system, are based on petting capability. 

With those two animals being gone, next up is the worst animal: the turkeys. Turkeys often can be seen roaming the campus and are a fun little quirk of Davis. Coming from San Diego where we don’t have roaming turkeys, it is fun to watch their herd waddle across bike circles. They, unfortunately, are last because they do not like being touched whatsoever. Birds are cool; they are like mini dinosaurs, but these turkeys are un-petable, making them the worst animal on campus. 

Next up are the squirrels. They are very cute, and, even though there are squirrels where I am from — are there any places without squirrels? —  it is always exciting to watch them run around, climb trees and whatnot. While there is more petting capability with the squirrels, most people will tell you you shouldn’t. That is because squirrels can harbor diseases underneath their cute facade. This is where I will reveal that this is not just an order ranking, but a number rating. For example, the turkey being impossible to pet is at a zero pet-ability and is the lowest rating. These squirrels are at a four. You probably shouldn’t, and it might be very hard with how quick they are, but it is plausible. 

The next on the list will be controversial, and that is because I will be putting the cats under the cows. The cats are adorable, I love cats. I am allergic, however. Does that stop me from petting them? Not really, but it does leave my skin, nose and eyes very irritated. Thus, their pet-ability score, while still high, is slightly impacted by this fact. Is everyone allergic? No, of course not, but this ranking is about me, not you. Another factor that lowers their score is that they are wild and difficult to find. You could go a week without seeing Cheeto or one of their friends, making it harder to pet them. They get a score of seven.

Lastly, the highest score, a whopping nine, goes to the cows. Not only are they cute like the other animals, but they also like being touched. They will swarm the edges of the fence as you walk by, waiting to be pet. They even lick your hand like a dog. It is all very cute. The reason they are above cats, as described from before, is that the fences always keep them in the same spot. Except for recently, they were moved, and that is why they are not at a perfect score of 10.

 

Written by: Malcolm Lange — mslange@ucdavis.edu

 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.

 

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