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Tuesday, June 11, 2024

How I would fight Godzilla and win

One of us is a lethal weapon of mass destruction and the other is Godzilla

 

By AUDREY ZHANG — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

 

I know what you’re thinking. How can a stunning, six-foot-five, cancer-curing college bombshell ever compete with the one cool thing that came out of nuclear armageddon? She doesn’t have a chance. And you’d be right, because that woman isn’t me. I somehow managed to pull a muscle getting out of bed this morning, but I’d still be able to make Godzilla run crying back to his underwater home. Except he can’t, because we managed to blow that up too.

I’ve done the math and it will take me approximately 1954 million years of gym rat grinding in order to bulk up enough to punch Godzilla in the face. In the meantime, there are other options.

It is just a matter of using Professor Honda’s favorite tactic — psychological warfare. Even unholy creations spawned from mankind’s mistakes need to watch out for their mental health. I’d just need to remind Godzilla that no one loves him, he wouldn’t know a good essay if it slapped him in the face and that he’s a lonely orphan loner who’s alone. He will get no closure because there are no Godzilla therapists, because there aren’t even any other Godzillas. (Again, because he’s a lonely orphan loner who’s alone.) He will try to adopt cats so that at least someone will love him, and thus be too busy to squish any more cities.

If that amazing plan fails, I simply have to post a photo of Godzilla, preferably next to a trademarked item. Then, I wait for Toho to find out and sue him into oblivion. They’ll sink anyone violating their beloved copyright so quickly, it will make the Oxygen Destroyer look like a nice bubble bath.

But let’s be real, I’m going to do none of these things. Godzilla is cool, way cooler than the people trying to bomb him for the millionth time. It didn’t work in the last 30 movies, it’s not going to work now. Next time he rises, I’m going to be asking for his autograph, and fighting on his side. You guys better watch out.

 

Written by: Audrey Zhang — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu

 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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