As I’m sure all of us know by now, Chancellor Linda Katehi has done some… uh, shall we say “shady things” recently. But the newest scandal is even worse.
Tragedy ensued on Friday, April 1 when only one pizza was ordered to appease the hundreds of protesters that showed up at Mrak Hall to call for Katehi’s resignation. And it wasn’t even vegan. I’ll wait while you pick your jaw up off the floor.
A small cheese pizza from Domino’s (really Katehi: Domino’s?) wasn’t enough to win over the hearts of the protesters, some of whom had been occupying Mrak Hall for over twenty days. The pizza was certainly not enough to make them full, if anything, it made them angrier than ever.
The protesters, hungry for action (and food), hissed Katehi’s name, calling out “Shame!”, as squirrels on the ground fought over discarded packets of parmesan cheese. After the unexpected, cheesy interlude, several faculty members expressed their support for the protesters sitting in Mrak hall.
Jessica Alvarez, a Chicano studies professor, didn’t agree with Katehi’s pizza order.
“Perhaps Katehi should take advice from the popular Dean Martin lyric: ‘when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore’”, said Alvarez. “Except for Katehi it’s more like, when you’re moonlighting practices become known, order more pizza for the students that call for your resignation.”
The snapping of fingers ensued, and “YASSSS!” was shouted loudly, which I took to mean enthusiastic support.
Not wanting to offend anybody, the protesters offered to share the pizza among the crowd, offering each person a bite of the saucey disk (and their germs), before passing it on to the next person.
Jerry Sotano, a third year English major, was left at the end of this pizza receiving line.
“Yeah, at the end it was just spit and like some burnt crust crumbs,” Sotano said. “Katehi really should have thought this through. I thought she has a lot of money, but I guess she’s struggling like the rest of us.”
Katehi clearly underestimated how many people hate her. Classic Katehi, am I right? I mean at least two XL pizzas were needed. At least.
Katehi didn’t show up to the protest, probably because she was ashamed of her grievous pizza miscount. Or maybe because she wouldn’t have had time for a PR firm to type up neat answers to the protestors questions. But you’re right, it’s probably because of the pizza. What a gaffe.
How will Katehi redeem herself? After all, she now has both hungry protesters AND vegans to deal with. It’s unclear which is scarier.
We the students, carefully await the next email “written” by Katehi explaining why she’s so bad at ordering pizza and informing us that she started a scholarship giving every student 10 percent off at Woodstock’s Pizza.
Thanks Linda P.B. (Peanut butter?) Katehi, but we don’t want your gluten and animal product filled tomato circles.
You can reach ALEX GUZMÁN at firstname.lastname@example.org and on twitter @cactasss.