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Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Humor: Investigation — Does the CoHo use powdered guac?


The horrifying truth behind what goes into that extra scoop of guacamole

It’s difficult to decipher, especially in this age of fake news, what’s true and what’s false. The only things worse than fake news are the misinformation it spreads and the mass hysteria it can cause. In order to stop this treachery, The California Aggie is taking on widely-debated topics one at a time. There seems no better place to start than investigating the UC Davis conspiracy of powdered guacamole at the CoHo.

The legend goes that a young, enthusiastic California Aggie columnist (whose name I cannot remember) wrote that the CoHo uses powdered guacamole — whatever that means. The Aggie issued a correction. Though naïve in his methods, the reporter really may have been onto something. But the public refused to hear his very legitimate claim.

While many thought this columnist was crazy for believing that guacamole was not made from avocados (a main ingredient of standard guacamole), but instead from guacamole “powder,” nobody at The Aggie seems to disagree.

If you think about it, no one’s ever actually seen guacamole being made with avocados at the CoHo. It’s all behind the scenes in the kitchen — kind of weird for a place that prides itself on transparency and not making guacamole from powder. In addition to that suspicious fact, no one has ever seen CoHo employees not using powder to make guacamole. That can’t be a good sign.

Though all the facts naturally seem to point toward the powder conspiracy being true, The Aggie still took the time to interview CoHo employees to explain their case.

“I’ve never heard of guacamole being made from avocados,” said CoHo employee and guacamole expert Eli Sketch. “I don’t think that’s how guacamole is made. It just doesn’t seem natural.”

Other students agreed with Sketch. Many were confused to hear that guacamole could be made with real avocados.

“If the CoHo doesn’t use powdered guacamole, then why doesn’t it call itself the Avocado House instead of the Coffee House? It just doesn’t make sense,” asked second-year fake news major Rosie Shortz.

Avocado supporters just can’t seem to back up their case. Their attempts to make the CoHo look as if it doesn’t use powdered guacamole, whatever that is, are more hollow than the avocados the CoHo doesn’t use to make their guacamole.


Written by: Lara Loptman — lrloptman@ucdavis.edu Twitter: @lllawra

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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