I can’t keep up anymore
For those/most of you who don’t avidly read my articles every single week, I will quickly summarize what I will be referencing in this article. And for those of you who do read my articles every single week, please stop sending me love letters, I’m getting sick of it. Anyway, all you need to know is that I wrote an article saying I missed the rain, and then it rained.
As a result of this coincidence, people went wild. Everyone began to think that I was in control of the weather. People started calling me “Holy Celestial Spirit,” and before I knew it, I was getting frantic emails from teachers and students alike asking me to help control the weird stuffy climate of the Olson Hall classrooms. I tried my best to replicate my skills, but to my surprise, I was unable to conjure my mystical charms and control the weather again. People still went wild, but this time, not in a good way. My love letters turned to angry hate mail, and after a couple long hours I decided it was time for me to do the only thing I could do — take it back. So without further ado, I present to you my “I take it back” episode of The California Aggie.
While this decision to take everything back might seem rash and absurd, I assure you that it’s not. You might think to yourself, “But Holy Celestial Spirit, please don’t take everything back, I need your words of truth and wisdom to help me,” and I will assure you once again that you’re actually probably correct. Just as the Quad preacher once said, “A humor article is mightier than a sword.” And to him I would say, “Maybe, but I’m not sure.” But until I do know, I figure I’m in no position to speak of the truth or falsity or anything at all other than the Meta.
Written by: Rosie Schwarz — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)