Photo Credits: DAVIS WHALEN / AGGIE
He’s back, maybe for good
Last year, The California Aggie issued a report on the dirty deeds of the now-infamous Davis Bike Blammer. After a manhunt with no resolution and a large number of minor injuries and emotional scars, the Davis Bike Blammer disappeared seemingly permanently.
That is, until today.
Several bike accident reports from TAPS this week identify a perpetrator yelling “BLAM!” as loud as humanly possible before kicking students off their Jump Bikes and scurrying away. He has been described as a “bearded white male, 6’2” with shaggy, brown curls and wearing glasses, Vans and a distinctive green ski jacket barely covering his English major ‘It’s Lit!’ T-shirt.” Jump Bikes have been a popular alternative for students who wish to get between home and campus without owning a bike themselves. To the Davis Bike Blammer, apparently, this simply will not do.
“It was 4:34 p.m. on a Wednesday,” said third-year The Student Formerly Known as Sally Wakeman (TSFKSW). “I woke up late that day, so I didn’t have time to make it to the bus. Since I needed to get to my statistics midterm, my only option was a Jump Bike. So I’m pedaling and pumping as fast as those red, plastic masses can go when this bloodcurdling ‘BLAM!’ hits me just before the foot does. When I wake up, I’m in the hospital, the red frame wrapped around me like a plastic coffin. It took them two days to pry it off of me. But what they’ll never be able to pry away are the night terrors and phantom ‘blams’ that I hear every time I see one of those bikes.”
Based on other witness testimonies similar to TSFKSW’s, it is not only clear that the Davis Bike Blammer is responsible for these targeted attacks, but also that he is still at large. Many witnesses also surmise that he may be using the campus sewage system to escape arrest, citing the sound of a manhole being uncovered, then recovered after a crash occurs. Other than this new tidbit of a lead, evidence is thin and answers are few.
“The Blammer’s back,” said ex-Chief of Bike Division Police-turned-vigilante, Guy Sogud. Sogud turned to his own sense of justice after the Davis Police Bike Division called his extreme methods of investigating the Bike Blammer “unorthodox, inhumane and frankly, unnecessary on every level.”
“I’ll hunt him down until the day I die if I have to,” Sogud continued. “Whether this is a copycat taking up the mantle or the same Blammer from before, his days of ‘blamming’ folks are numbered. And when I catch him, I’m gonna rub it in the faces of those motherblammers in the Davis Police force. The last thing that bastard will hear from me is ‘Tim Tam Kablam’ before I slam him and jam him into the ground.”
Written by: Conner Shaw — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)