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Thursday, October 28, 2021

Humor: Aggie Dorm Tips: Making Friends

A nifty little guide to help you stay socially competent

This is Conner here with Aggie Dorm Tips, your one-stop shop for all the tricks you need to stay at the top of your dorm-life game. Today, we’re taking a closer look at the first step on your journey: making friends. Follow this guide exactly and you won’t be disappointed with your results. Let’s get started!

First, you want to evaluate your demeanor going in. Ask yourself these three questions to find the most successful version of yourself: What are the best qualities I can accentuate? What are the qualities that I can hold back until someone really knows me? Finally, how much do I enjoy unpasteurized, unhomogenized goat milk? With these answered, you’re already on your way to loving and embracing your true self.

Your next step is mapping out your “turf,” the areas you could see yourself hanging out with friends. These places are your best chance at finding friends who share your interests. Areas marked “Employees Only” around campus or your local boiler rooms are good places to start. Don’t be fooled — the dorm lounge might seem like a social spot, but most of the people you’ll find there don’t fear God’s wrath as they should. The only reason you should approach people in the lounge is to attempt a spiritual cleanse, commence a courtship or request help on an assignment.

Once you’ve found your space, invite others to join you or just loiter as often as you can. When you come into contact with an individual or group, do not engage immediately. Potential friends are very similar to goats — they will approach when they feel ready, they vocalize when they feel comfortable and all of them are potential agents of Lucifer. Don’t look them directly in the eyes lest you risk entrapment in their vampiric gaze. Just remain calm and let them accept your presence. Murmur in tongues until the moment they stop in front of you. This last step is crucial. Otherwise, you might find yourself on the other end of a hellspike.

If all has gone well, you have a potential friend (or friends) standing right in front of you. Great work! Now, just a few more steps to ensure lasting friendship. Of course, your first step is to pull out your Hydro Flask of holy water and empty its contents onto your hands, body and the space around your feet. If this was some elaborate ruse for a demon to inhabit your body, their time on this earth will now come to an end.

Next, grab your potential friend softly by both temples, making — and never breaking — eye contact. If they try to escape, grab them before they slip away, keeping your eyes locked. Their skittishness will fade in time, and it will be replaced by mutual pleasure between you. An overwhelming sensation will begin growing within you. Do not question it. Remain focused. As soon as the sensation seems as if it will burst, part your lips and wrap them around your new friend’s nose for exactly six seconds. This will serve as an acknowledgement of their vulnerability. After, release them and part ways for three nights.

And there you have it. Follow these steps and you’re well on your way. Thanks for reading Aggie Dorm Tips!

Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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