Giving sports fans life by denying it to others
In an unprecedented several weeks, the coronavirus pandemic has wiped the sports calendar clean. No MLB, no NBA, no NHL. No Masters, no Boston Marathon, no NASCAR, no Formula 1, no Wimbledon, no cricket and not even the Olympic Games this summer! Most significantly, there is no football (real football). That means no UEFA Champions League, no Serie A, no La Liga, no Bundesliga, no Ligue 1, no Eredivisie, no Euro 2020, no MLS and no Premier League (for Manchester United and Everton fans, at least the title might not be going to Scouseward for the first time in 30 years after all!). There’s also no fake football, but those prolate-spheroid-throwing wimps only play for one month of the year anyway.
Nonetheless, Americans looking for solace through the world of sports during these trying times can still turn to one cherished sporting tradition (at least in America) that vows to plow ahead: screwing people over for sport — healthcare edition, with live broadcasts, coverage and analysis on every news channel and play-by-play commentary on every news website. This season, the novel coronavirus and gross inefficiencies of the U.S. healthcare system have been in breathtaking form. Literally. This has produced a world-class highlight reel of all the best ways in which America has made staying healthy anything but a slam dunk.
“If we simply allowed our healthcare system to save everyone, that would be like giving everyone a winner’s medal,” said sports medicine specialist Dougeet Dogg. “In America, we got winners and losers.”
A new report from the Economic Policy Institute estimates that approximately “3.5 million workers likely lost their employer-provided health insurance in the past two weeks.” To compound this situation, the Trump administration announced that it will not reopen Obamacare markets for purchasing health insurance plans through the Affordable Care Act. This really puts the uninsured behind the eight ball.
Recently, an ill California teen was turned away from urgent care for not having health insurance and later died. It is unclear whether the teen had coronavirus, but they did not have health insurance, which — and I might be wrong about this — can help insure health.
Meanwhile, a UC Davis student with a fever, cough and difficulty breathing tested negative for influenza and pneumonia and “tried reaching out to the Student Health and Wellness Center, the UC Davis Medical Center (UCDMC) and a hospital in Roseville, none of which would test for COVID-19,” according to an article previously published in The California Aggie. The student was then spun in circles between three different hospitals, each denying testing to the student because they did not have a primary care referral and did not live in the correct county. This reporting is quite suspect, however, given the fact that, according to President Trump, “anybody that needs a test gets a test,” especially considering that the tests are quite “perfect” and “beautiful.”
While this UC Davis student demonstrated great athleticism, agility and sportsmanship by jumping through hoop after hoop only to go home empty-handed, U.S. states have shown unbelievable tenacity and competitiveness as they fight against each other for crucial medical supplies.
“You now literally will have a company call you up and say, ‘Well, California just outbid you,’” said New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. “It’s like being on eBay with 50 other states, bidding on a ventilator.”
Despite these concerns about the danger of bidding wars, some people remain confident that this level of cutthroat competition is exactly the type of entertainment that sports fans are looking for right now.
“Most people say poker isn’t a sport, but all they have to do is give it a sporty name like ‘World Series of Poker’ and VOILA — it’s on all the sports channels!” said health insurance and former pharmaceutical executive Shay Mellisprough Phiteer. “It’s the same deal with these bidding wars over life-saving medical equipment, and it’s the same deal with screwing people over. When it comes down to it, screwing people over for sport is our real national pastime. That’s why I think Americans can satisfy their sports fix during this crisis simply by watching ‘the news.’ And that’s why I’m pleased to announce that betting on the ‘World Series of Ventilators’ at St. Caesar’s Memorial Palace Hospital is now OPEN!”
Written by: Benjamin Porter— email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)