Photo Credits: KAITLYN PANG / AGGIE
Today’s “Rant and Rave” column
RANT: To all the doctors. Doctors these days, am I right? What’s the deal with them, anyway? I went to the hospital recently to see if they could check out these symptoms I’ve been having that have been driving me crazy for a week or so now. My doctor was worried I might have that covioid thing that’s been goin’ round, but she said that the hospital lacked the resources to test me for the virus, and that even if I did have it, they didn’t have the necessary medical supplies to treat me for it anyway. This really pissed me off. No, no, no — not the information that she was telling me — just the fact that she was saying it. Having to listen to that BS really pissed me off. So I zoned out for a bit. I stared out the window of the exam room while she rambled on and on, making up scary stories to try to scare me. I think I may have even fallen asleep for a sec because as I was looking out the window into the hospital’s parking lot, I think I dreamt that there were medical professionals transporting dozens of bodies into a large truck outside. Yeah, I was definitely asleep and having a weird dream because there is no way that there would actually be truckloads full of dead bodies everywhere. That couldn’t happen in America, the greatest country in the world! The doctor snapped her fingers to make sure I was still listening to her. She reiterated that there are extreme medical supply shortages, so I asked for a different doctor. A second doctor came in and said the same thing, adding that the United States risks facing its “darkest winter in modern history” if it doesn’t step up its response to the pandemic. I asked for a third opinion. A third doctor came in, repeated all of those same lame concerns, and added, “I’m a scientist, a physician and a public health official. I give advice, according to the best scientific evidence.” I asked the doctor if I could just go back to work already, and he said this could cause “needless suffering and death.” I told him that this warning was “not acceptable.” The doctor kept pretending to sound reasonable while arrogantly trying to play all sides of the equation, so I decided that I just couldn’t take listening to this anymore. I had to shut that doctor up. So you know what I did? I took out my Swiss Army knife and I cut out his tongue! He won’t be scaring anybody with all this alarmism anymore! Then I just calmly walked out of there and nobody seemed to care. How could everyone in the hospital be so busy that they wouldn’t notice a tongue on the ground? Boy, do they need to step it up…
RAVE: To the coronavirus! I still don’t have it! At least I don’t think I do. I mean, how would anybody know something like that for sure, anyway?
Written by: Benjamin Porter— email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)