Prizes include the presidency and the future of our democracy
The following is an anonymous letter believed to be written by notorious supervillain, Mr. Munch. Written on Nov. 5, the letter seems to be an attempted plan by Munch to “stop the count.”
There’s been a lot of fancy politics talk recently. Election this, democracy that. Fraud. Suppression. Cheeto. Sleepy. It feels like I’m in my seventh grade civics class again, except now I’m not snickering through my braces about “pigeonholing the filibuster on your mom.”
So, with all of the kerfuffle going on with this totally real and totally scary U.S. election, it feels like nothing is going right. Instead of picking the senile old dude to rule the country by a landslide, we’ve decided to make this a “nail-biter,” which is sort of an understatement considering there’s definitely much more at stake than our nail beds.
The whole issue with this election lies with the mail-in ballots. Maybe we should’ve defunded the USPS after all, those dirty rotten slowpokes. There are two problems here: (1) ballots are being counted or (2) ballots aren’t being counted. I feel like there’s one right answer here, but I digress. There doesn’t seem to be a specific time period for when all of these ballots are going to be counted, and the country is waiting with bated breath to hear the results.
You might be thinking, dear reader: “What the HELL are we gonna do about this counting issue?!” I’m asking the same thing. But listen: between you and me, there’s this guy I know in Clark County, Nevada. This one dude has been keeping me calm through all of this. His name? Charles Entertainment Cheese AKA Chuck E. Cheese. I doubt many of you forgot about the rat king of our childhood, and I assure you there is no one more equipped to take care of this ballot issue.
Chuck told me a bunch of stuff about how they’re taking care of the ballots not only in Nevada, but in all of the other battleground states, but there’s one thing that’s really going to make a difference: the Ticket Muncher. I know, I know. It sounds improbable and highly stupid. But honestly, what hasn’t been in this election?
Here’s why the Ticket Muncher is going to save our precariously-positioned democracy. First of all, he’s so fast. Like, unbelievably fast. He is a fast little muncher. It doesn’t even matter who you voted for. All ballots are equal under the eyes of the Muncher. He will eat up your ballot so fast, you won’t even have the time to say, “Scoobidybop! Ballot selfie time!”
Secondly, the Ticket Muncher is unbiased. Between eating your ballots and making ballot-eating sounds, the Ticket Muncher can’t even choose between Coke or Pepsi, let alone who should be the President of the U.S.
At the end of the day, with the Ticket Muncher at the helm of this sinking ship, we can be assured of one thing: this whole nightmare will be over in a few days. Besides, we can’t look back on this trainwreck of an election if all the results have been digested.
Written by: Isabella Chuecos –– ifchuecos@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
