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Monday, November 29, 2021

If the COVID-19 vaccine companies were perfumes

Coming to stores near you this holiday season

BY KATE HARGES — klharges@ucdavis.edu 

As I’m sure many can relate, the vaccine names Moderna, Pfizer and Johnson & Johnson have been incorporated into my family’s daily vocabulary. At this point, my dog is reacting to the word “Moderna” as if it means she’s getting another one of those Milk-Bone dog treats. 

As these sweet, sweet words travel throughout my household, it got me thinking. Moderna, Pfizer and Johnson & Johnson don’t sound too far off from the names of famous perfumes. 

Therefore, I will be using the rest of this article to consider which scents each vaccine would be as a perfume, and what types of commercials would be used to advertise them. 

Let’s begin with Moderna. Moderna would be your classic cologne. It would smell fresh, zesty and bold. However, if we’re being completely honest, it’s essentially rebranded Old Spice Swagger. As for the commercial, it’d be a montage of a man in a tight suit looking out at the New York City skyline. 

Now on to Pfizer. Part of me wants to assume that it’d smell atrocious—like the dining hall of an old folks home. But when I really thought about it, I decided it could be a subtle orange smell with a hint of damp pinewood. It’s worn by divorced middle-aged women in Vermont, as well as a niche group of women in their 20s. The commercial would try to follow a storyline but would just be a bunch of women running through poppy fields. 

Lastly, we have Johnson & Johnson. Johnson & Johnson would smell safe and familiar. It’d smell like a mix of laundry detergent and vanilla. While it would be considered the cheaper alternative to other perfumes, it’d still be one of the best-selling products at Macy’s… in the greater St. Louis area. The commercial would feature women of varying ages dancing to “Happy” by Pharrell Williams.

I can only imagine how infatuated you must be by these perfumes and colognes. Don’t worry, I’m in contact with Macy’s stores everywhere. They’ll be available by December 2022.

Written by: Kate Harges — klharges@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.) 

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