It’s time we stop making introverts feel like being quiet is wrong
By SABRINA FIGUEROA — sfigueroaavila@ucdavis.edu
“Don’t you ever talk?”
This is one of the many dreadful questions that almost every introverted person has been asked by peers, family members or even people they barely know.
As a fellow “quiet” person myself, I’ve been asked these questions since I was a little kid —- not only by other kids, but by adults I had only met for about five minutes.
I learned the hard way that silence is actually very loud to others. People examine our quietness and mold it to fit aspects of our personalities that aren’t necessarily true. For example, some of my teachers thought that because I was quiet, I was a good and responsible kid, which at first seems like a compliment, right? Wrong. At the age of seven, nothing was more stressful than being placed with a bunch of extroverted kids simply because the teacher thought your quiet, responsible and good-natured character would rub off on them.
Even those kids thought that silence was odd, and they’d try to make up reasons to explain why some kids were quieter than others. To them, being quiet meant that we were weird, we had a secret crush on them or that we were basically Albert Einstein. Either way, it results in a lot of teasing, condescension and, in some cases, bullying. I will never forget when a peer — who I was not close to — would repeatedly call me “cute” in the tone of voice you would use to talk to a puppy. It was not fun: it was almost humiliating.
The worst part is that there is almost no way to stand up for yourself without being called rude or sensitive. It’s not socially acceptable to ask an extrovert why they never shut up because, yes, it is rude! So, why is it acceptable to ask people why they never talk? More importantly, why do we allow this behavior to happen to children?
I grew up thinking that being introverted and enjoying silence was bad, and that there was something inherently wrong with it. I tried to change that, but once people deemed you quiet, it was difficult to make them perceive you differently.
Silence is also — unfortunately — something that is unsettling to many; perhaps this is why some people think being quiet is weird. However, sitting in silence is possibly one of the most beautiful things humans can do. It means that there is some kind of shared understanding and that the uncertainty in the silence is something we are open to. Humans are social beings, but it doesn’t mean we have to be verbally communicating all the time. This is a gift that people can learn from introverts.
If anything, I think both introverts and extroverts can learn from each other. But that can’t happen unless we stop treating each other as though we are less than each other and unworthy of basic kindness.
If there is one thing I have learned about being quiet, it’s that many people would speak more often if they were not asked or told such condescending things about their nature. Because as much as it is dreadful, it’s also discouraging. It’s unwelcoming and intimidating to talk to people that see you as weird or treat you like you’re different. It’s worse when that behavior becomes so normalized that you anticipate for others to react in the same way.
We should work to destigmatize introversion and help create a better sense of connection, community and empathy among people. We should be able to welcome different kinds of people into our communities and social circles without making a big deal out of it or pointing out their differences.
Most of the time, “quiet” people are not shy nor do they hate talking to others. Some simply speak when they have something to say and others are just waiting for someone friendly to talk to them normally.
Written by: Sabrina Figueroa — sfigueroaavila@ucdavis.edu
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