UC Davis students and experts discuss examples and implications of misogyny within romantic relationships
By GRACIELA TIU — features@theaggie.org
Misogyny, defined by Britannica as a “hatred or prejudice against women, typically exhibited by men,” manifests in numerous ways, on both large, societal scales and in everyday, interpersonal interactions. A consequence of our patriarchal society, misogyny can especially be prevalent in relationships, particularly heterosexual and heteroromantic ones.
Misogynistic patterns in relationships can be more difficult to identify than one might expect. Gender-based prejudice is often normalized in our culture, making it challenging to recognize — especially for men, who do not experience this form of oppression first-hand. Though commonly overlooked and sometimes seemingly innocuous, many examples of misogyny within romantic and sexual relationships can have deeply harmful effects on the female-identifying partner and the relationship as a whole.
One common misogynistic pattern in many relationships is controlling behavior, typically exhibited by the male-identifying partner. Jessica Marie Elorduy, a victim advocacy specialist for the UC Davis Center for Advocacy, Resources & Education (CARE), described how behaviors that seem protective can sometimes overlap with controlling tendencies.
“Being ‘protective’ is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it means truly wanting the
best for another person and being willing to support them as they make their own
choices,” Elorduy said. “However, ‘protective’ can quickly turn into controlling when it starts to look like dictating what a partner can wear or who they can interact with. Controlling
behaviors can appear when one person does not respect the right and ability of their
partner to make their own choices.”
This concept of controlling behavior feels all too familiar for some women, many of whom have been told by their partners, sometimes supposedly out of “concern,” that their clothing is too suggestive or revealing. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, discussed how these behaviors have affected her.
“When going out, I have been commented on and it makes me feel cheap or less than, simply because I want to wear clothes I feel pretty and confident in,” the student said.
Men also frequently present misogynistic behaviors in sexual and intimate relations with their partner. Gender roles and expectations remain deeply ingrained in sexual interactions, shaped by various forms of media, socialization and cultural norms that influence what behaviors are considered acceptable and expected.
“These damaging myths and scripts set us up for situations where men may have been taught, either implicitly or explicitly, that when women say ‘no,’ or they don’t say anything at all, they are only saying or doing that because they want the man to ‘try harder,’” Sarah Meredith, the director of CARE, said.
Navigating consent in sex can often feel more complex than simply remembering “no means no.” Women ordinarily feel a pressure to adhere to gender expectations, such as remaining passive or avoiding conflict for fear of being a bad partner. When coupled with indirect or direct pressure from the initiating partner, this can lead to grey areas of consent where women feel both internal and external pressure to engage in sexual activity they may not truly want. In these situations, asserting clear boundaries becomes difficult, leading to consent that is coerced rather than freely given.
Common examples of pressure and coercion include when a partner repeatedly asks for sexual acts and continues pushing for them even after the other partner says no, expresses hesitation or has no affirmative response. They also could use emotional manipulation, such as bringing up societal norms that they feel justify their sexual expectations (e.g., people in relationships should have sex), or reacting negatively — through anger, withdrawal or threats — making their partner feel guilty for not saying yes.
“Pressure or coercion in a sexual situation creates a space where consent does not exist,” Elorduy said. “When one person in a sexual situation has been pressured or coerced, consent is not present. Consent must be given freely and affirmatively.”
The anonymous student recounted how she sometimes has reluctantly engaged in sexual activity due to the fear of what her partner might do or how he might act if she said no.
“In the situations I have been in, I have just given in,” the student said. “As someone who has had their autonomy disregarded and ignored before, it is scary to think what could happen if I don’t just accept it and give in. It’s so frustrating and sad that this is the way I think, but when put in that situation, it is easier to just say yes than to say no, especially because they tend to not give up and will continue to pressure or question why I’m saying no. In this case, although I am saying yes, it’s out of coercion — is this technically consent? I honestly think not, because I did not come up with this answer of my own accord.”
Meredith illustrated how these patterns can inflict harm on the people involved and damage relationships.
“Relationships where the people involved don’t have skills to communicate in a healthy way about sexual intimacy may be at risk for unhealthy or abusive sexual situations,” Meredith said. “Additionally, relationships where there are other forms of abuse, controlling behavior or disrespect for one partner’s autonomy are very high risk for sexual assault.”
A lot of the time, these behaviors stem from attitudes surrounding the idea that male sexual gratification takes priority, regardless of if it comes at the expense of their female-identifying partner. In many heterosexual relationships, sexual encounters are centered around male pleasure, beginning with the man’s arousal and ending when the man is sexually satisfied, leaving the woman partner’s experience potentially unacknowledged.
“Men tend to make sure their needs are met before the woman’s,” the anonymous student said. “Sometimes, they don’t even bother about the woman and once they are satisfied, they tell the woman to go home or don’t even care about meeting her needs.”
Misogyny in relationships can also present in the form of double standards between men and women, particularly regarding perceptions of sexual activity.
“College dating culture, especially when we are viewing it from a heterosexual lens, can
certainly have double standards,” Elorduy said. “It is often expected that male-identifying individuals have multiple sexual partners while women-identifying individuals run the risk of being scrutinized or shamed for having multiple sexual partners.”
Another form of misogyny present in relationships is the objectification of women. In romantic relationships specifically, objectification comes up when men see women primarily for their body and sexuality, disregarding their other attributes. Objectification can lead to women feeling dehumanized by their partner, who may fail to show them adequate empathy and respect.
“Unfortunately, this happens more frequently than expected,” another student, who also wishes to remain anonymous, said. “I have often experienced being judged solely based on my looks and body rather than my intelligence, personality or achievements, which is truly disappointing.”
The assumption of male superiority, a common theme within these layers and forms of misogyny, can also lead to the belittling of women in relationships. Some men might unreasonably assume that their female partner lacks intelligence, talent or work ethic, and they may also downplay their partner’s struggles or accomplishments. This dynamic can feel deeply demoralizing for the female partner, as one student reflected.
“It can be incredibly discouraging,” the anonymous student said. “I have experienced a partner downplaying my hard work, which creates a very negative image of myself, ultimately leading to self-doubt and frustration with both myself and my partner. I have gone through this
multiple times and have been left feeling unappreciated and undervalued in my relationships.”
Similarly to belittlement, acting dismissively toward women also constitutes misogynistic behavior in relationships. Elorduy provided examples of dismissive behavior and noted its harmful effects.
“When female-identifying partners are interrupted or talked over, it insinuates that their voice, thoughts and opinions don’t matter,” Elorduy said. “Because there is a pattern of women being talked over and interrupted, it creates a notion that women’s voices don’t matter and are somehow less than other voices. We have all accidentally interrupted or talked over someone else in a conversation, but when it becomes a pattern with no apology or reflection, it leads to a culture that dismisses and reduces women.”
The second student also recognized that calling women overly emotional or generally minimizing their experiences can be another form of dismissive, misogynistic behavior.
“It’s very frustrating,” the student said. “I have been told I am ‘too emotional’ multiple times when discussing serious and upsetting topics. I have noticed this pattern throughout my dating life and have come to the conclusion that men often say this to dismiss my feelings instead of engaging in meaningful conversation. This ultimately makes me feel as though my thoughts and emotions are invalid or exaggerated, even when they are completely reasonable.”
On the whole, because patterns of misogyny in romantic relationships tend to go overlooked, the harmful effects of this type of behavior can similarly go unnoticed. Although misogyny seems to remain ever-present in our society and in our relationships, Elorduy outlined ways to combat these attitudes and behaviors and work to cultivate healthier, respectful relationships.
“Communicate with your partner when you notice subtle or overt misogyny in your
relationship and know that it is okay to not be comfortable with misogynistic behavior,” Elorduy said. “If your partner is not willing to learn, grow and change their behavior, know that you deserve to be in a relationship that does not involve one person perpetuating and upholding misogyny.”
Elorduy expressed that we should work to unlearn harmful lessons about misogyny that permeate societal norms.
“We all grew up in a culture that contains misogyny and patriarchy, but it is on all of us to unlearn these harmful lessons and not use them to potentially harm those around us,” Elorduy said. “If someone is in a relationship that doesn’t feel healthy for any reason, please know that they are welcome to reach out to CARE for support.”
Written by: Graciela Tiu — features@theaggie.org
