The world is your oyster
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
There has been some serious chatter going around the UC Davis campus about something called imposter syndrome — everyone claims to have it.
Now, here’s my thinking: If everyone has it, then no one has it. Or, maybe, if everyone in the world chooses to be someone else’s imposter, then it will cancel out. Anything is possible if we all work together.
In the wake of this emerging field of research, some scientists have uncovered a solution. If you feel stressed about not being as successful as someone else, just steal their identity.
Just hear me out. Let’s say there’s someone in your class who is involved with research, has internships lined up and has graduate schools knocking down their door. What can you do about it? Nothing. No amount of sabotage could ruin the success that they have built up. The other option is for you to become just as successful — which is, admittedly, really difficult.
There’s this secret third option that no one talks about, and it’s identity theft. You only need three things: their full name, date of birth and social security number. Now the world is your oyster, and you can have all those research opportunities, internships and grad school offers.
Before this cure for the imposter syndrome, many undergraduates were lost without a purpose to guide them. Now, there’s a simple way to become as successful as you wish to be. In lieu of this cure, students won’t be wasting their time pondering their abilities in the bathroom mirror — these students will be making moves toward their new lives.
When asked for a statement, one student said that this cure has “changed her life for the better.” Another, albeit more dramatic student, thinks that this is “a recipe for disaster.” Something tells me that they had their identity stolen.
Looking toward the future, there might be some challenges with this new solution. When searching for a new identity, some people may become even more lost than they were before: stuck in an endless cycle of discovery, trying to figure out which identity suits them.
One student reported that they “spent their entire adult life trying to find out who they want to be, and this new cure just complicates things.”
I can understand how this high-level thinking may be difficult for some people, and that’s how I know that this method isn’t for everyone. I recommend that everyone take time to decide whether or not they want to go down this road before they commit to identity theft. Once you steal someone’s identity, you can’t really go back.
On a lighter note, this means you can become whoever you want to be in life. Do you want to be a doctor? Steal that identity. It can’t be too hard.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)