All great love stories come to an end, as we have learned through several Lifetime movies. It’s just the same for the fiery passions between UC Davis and Taco Bell. UC Davis let Taco Bell into their home, gave it its own special corner and then kicked it to the curb.
“I know we had our problems,” Taco Bell said. “Me and my ‘real’ ground beef and Davis with their pepper spray. Yet, I never saw this coming. Davis kicked me out like we never had anything special. Like I never comforted its depressed students with my Quesoritos? Get real. Like I never aided in the freshman 15, giving the students a genuine college experience? Yeah, right. I did it all.”
UC Davis, ever the master of pettiness, took to the social medias to cut Taco Bell off. Posting on Sept. 27, the school went gaga over its “newly renovated Silo.” Taco Bell took action.
“You’re going to ‘new phone, who dis?’ me?! Are you kidding me?” Taco Bell wailed. “You’re really going to post that pic of your new boo and think I’m not going to do anything? I blocked Davis’ Instagram and then released a new Doritos Locos Taco flavor, ‘Rage.’ It’s bright red and tastes like my fist.”
UC Davis did this a week before National Taco Day, forever ruining Taco Bell’s holiday season. Taco Bell will now be scarred for life, just like every child on that first Christmas when Santa is revealed to be your stepdad Gary in a stained robe. UC Davis doesn’t feel much remorse on the matter.
“I had to cleanse my life, man,” UC Davis said to this lady reporter. “T-Bell was just too toxic. Honestly, I had diarrhea like every day. Thankfully, the cow smell masked it. Blame it on the cows, bro. Always blame it on the cows. I hit up Peet’s about a week after the breakup. It’s just more wholesome and mature.”
After the maturity card was pulled, Taco Bell was boiling with anger.
“MATURE?” Taco Bell screamed. “I’m not mature?! Really? You’re telling me a Starburst-flavored slushy isn’t mature? As if!”
UC Davis didn’t notice that Taco Bell had blocked its Instagram until this month: it wanted to take a screenshot of one of the new menu items to send to its buddy, UC Irvine, so that the two could gossip, but it couldn’t find the account.
“I really didn’t think that it would stoop to that level,” UC Davis said. “I blocked ‘em back and hit up Peet’s.”
Sometimes, UC Davis sees the billboards for Taco Bell or a student carrying a taco around campus and nostalgia hits it like a truck.
“There are some days when I slide into T-Bell’s DMs on Twitter,” UC Davis said. “I usually just say, ‘heyyy,’ but it only responds with gifs of someone rolling their eyes. Bell moved on. I get it. Yet, I always wonder…”
Taco Bell’s skin has never been clearer, and it’s more relaxed than ever, or so it says on Snapchat every day.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
