Humor: #news

Humor: #news

Photo Credits: KAITLYN PANG / AGGIE

It’s what’s happening

It’s here: Your first self-reported #news article, 100% free of journalistic bias. When we make promises, We Deliver, just like the US Postal Service. So from now on, the journalists will be cut out of the equation, and their inherent bias toward wanting to actually inform you will be forever stymied, like a rugged American individual charging noggin first into a wicked web of bureaucratic red tape. We know we said the tweets wouldn’t be organized in any particular way, but we ran the thousands of tweets through a neural network computer program to pair related posts together in sequence. Baby steps. But don’t worry, real journalists had nothing to do with this. At least we incorporated some Insta stories into this #news report for variety! We’ll be expanding to all social media platforms soon. Now, as an influential social media influencer once said, just moments before millions of people spontaneously became measurably dumber, “Social media makes you smarter.” #news

Headline: Local germaphobe/health guru dies grisly, unsanitary death after contracting infection from soap dispenser at vegan cooking retreat

By THE NEWSMAKERS — 

Probably deserved it haha plus the new vegan thrift shop already closed and theirs liberla tears #news#macklemore. I pre-ferd animal crackers anyway! #news. But what about the sugar in the wrap? If that’s a wrap then it’s a wrap! Game over #news#esports. THat’s not sports. It tis a game. Wear you sacrifice ur life to spend it in front of a tv. Just like jesus at the coho #news. But Judas betrayed him by not voting YES on the fee referendum #news#judaspriest

#easybiblical. And one of the two was communist, like Bernie LOL #news#maga.

George Zimmerman is suing Mayor Pete and Pochahontas for defamation to get money #news that’s actually #news and he’s such a races but at least he likes guns! #news #theblues. He’s from a man from Florida man, but guilty. Enter Florida man and your birthday and you’ll get funny Florida man stories haha like a news article in the news #news #stainformed. Mine says “88-year-old Florida man sets raccoon on fire for eating his mangoes” #news. Was the racoon using a spoon at least? #news.

Wow. My yung son Don just asked if he can eat his apple with a spoon cuz the forks flew away. He’s so cute! #news#insta#nofilter#noforks #breakfastday4of45#45Prez. Wait are there actually a foods u can’t eat with a spoon no matter what like ever? #news#spoon. Yeah no try eating the apply with a spoon dumbass! #news#spoonchallenge. I tried to apply the apple with a spoon and it didn’t work.#news #spoonchallenge. No if you slam the apple on the spoon at the perfect angle, it will break #spoonchallenge #applechallenge #news.

Waddup, I’m ridin’ shotgun in the Subaru with my bruh Tucker here whose driving with apples glued to both his hands for the #applechallenge and we’re tryna get our video on the local new tonight so once we hit 69 he’s gonna turn upside down, put his feet on wheel and try to break all the spoons that are jammed underneath the brake so we don’t crash LOL #applechallenge #spoonchalenge#instajam#news.

Written by: Benjamin Porter— bbporter@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)