Mark Twain is probably one of my favorite old dead guys. It was he who said, “I never let schooling interfere with my education.” Within this quote lies the place where the distinction between the two categories of intelligence falls in line.

Somewhere between urinating on tennis courts and finding untagged photos of ourselves sleeping in a random lawn chair as sophomores (so that’s what I did after that GI Joes and Barbie Hoes party) in a stranger’s Facebook album, I believe we’ve somehow managed to get smarter.

Obviously, I still couldn’t tell you how to make calcium carbonate, but I’m referring more to other stuff. You see, there are two kinds of smarts: book smarts and street smarts. Every morsel of knowledge you obtain from a lecture slide would fall into the former category. The latter, a.k.a. common sense, is essential. It cannot be gauged or measured.

Sometimes the outside knowledge helps inside the classroom, like the addition of “vaffanculo” to my vocabulary thanks to one Tony Soprano. Unfortunately, this is not conducive to a passing grade in Italian. Nor is creeping on your friends and grunting “ciao, bella” in your perviest metro-European man voice. You get the gist.

Street smarts can be obtained mostly through experience and largely through making mistakes. A lot of mistakes have to be made on your own in order to truly derive knowledge. Many mistakes, however, are so dumb that you’re better off learning by example.

Which is why it’s lucky for you that I exist to make bad decisions on your behalf – so that you can learn and avoid incidences caused by disturbingly terrible errors in judgment. And not be considered “unemployable” and have a fruitful life and all that.

Here’s an example. Around this time last year, my dumbass friends and I thought it would be a good idea to go for a joy ride on campus. We were going three times the speed limit and blasting Eric Prydz’s “Call on Me.” If you know me, you know I can be found pelvic-thrusting to this song on Wednesdays in the Lower Freeborn basement. Anyway, our adventure was cut short by the fuzz and their flashing lights.

Honestly, the officer was a really nice guy. He politely asked what we were doing, but anyone with a knack for facial expression interpretation would have known that he really meant, “WTF gave you goddamn little shits the idea that it would be okay to trespass on school property, invent your own speed limit and disturb the peace with your godawful technopop garbage?”

I was let off with a warning, thankfully. It might have had something to do with the fact that I had just been at a CEOs and Office Hoes party and was dressed accordingly. I guess I’ll never know. I share this story with you so that you can learn from it. Most importantly, you now know not to do that. Or that you can get away with it.

I decided to consult Annette Spicuzza, UC Davis Chief of Police, under the presumption she possessed a treasury of dumb college kid tales. What she instead had to say was we’re actually better behaved than you would think.

“I think this is a great student community,” Spicuzza said. “You worked hard to get here, and it shows in the behavior.”

However, when prompted to comment on such antics as stealing a cop cruiser and driving on a sidewalk full of crowded people, she said that “doesn’t just blur the line between being goofy and being stupid. That creates a new one.”

Finally, there’s my alter ego, the one and only Blonde Michelle. Faithful readers know we ended up pushing her Volvo out of an active car wash last year. Words can hardly express the ordeal she went through when she couldn’t find her car and naturally presumed it had been stolen.

She was able to recover it on her own by remembering where she parked it. When she called the police to tell them this, they told her to pull over because they had just sent in a report of a stolen car in action. In other words, she was about to be framed for her own grand theft auto.

It’s just something that would happen to Blonde Michelle. But even if you’re not Blonde Michelle – seriously, don’t do that.

MICHELLE RICK knows she’s literally too stupid to insult, but if you disagree, additional insults can be sent to marick@ucdavis.edu.

I was smoking an expensive cigar in my high-rise corner office, sifting through the piles of letters that accumulate on my desk. I came upon one asking for some advice. As you may remember, giving advice is only a part of what we do here at Long Industries. (The rest is sort of an import/export operation.)

Anyway, I opened the letter and knew my advice was needed. Here’s an abridged version of the message with all the good bits, sort of like Moby Dick without all that whale anatomy (as interesting as all that may be):

“Senior year of high school, I dated this guy – long distance. As is inevitable, we broke it off shortly after starting college. Then I met a guy who was exactly like the other guy, but with my same ideals. Score. So I’ve been dating the new and improved version for over a year, and have tried remaining friends with the ex and his mother, who still calls me her daughter. Here’s the catch: in a couple of weeks, the mom is driving past here for work. So she’s going to stop by and see me. But it looks like her son, my ex, is going to come up and stay with me for the three-day weekend while she goes and does work somewhere else. My ex is a Jehovah’s Witness. I think part of him still resents me for not marrying him. The weekend that he’s coming up is Valentine’s Day weekend. What should be done? – ‘Bri.'”

Quite the predicament.

First of all, I should warn that relationship woes are not my area of expertise. I tend to deal with things like, “What movie should I watch?” or “How deep of a hole should I dig to keep the coyotes away from the body I’m hiding?” You know, pertinent things.

So with that in mind, I think the liquid-metal killer T-1000 has a perfect quote for Bri: “Get. Out.”

I can’t think of one good thing that could come out of such an odd setup. Valentine’s Day in itself sounds like a nightmare. (I’ve never been there, personally.) The last thing I’d want to deal with are two doppelganger lovers vying for my affection. That sounds like something out of the Twilight Zone.

The simplest way to deal with this is to tell your ex that having him around just isn’t your jam. If he already resents you, what’s a little more resentment thrown on top of that? From personal experience, it’s best to break things off clean – that’s the way it is with severed limbs, at least.

I can’t think of one good reason why an ex-lover would want to hang around unless he was trying to re-holler. There are exceptions to this, as always, but my advice would be to pick one and to cut the other loose. It’s around this point that your ex will have to get his shit together and move on.

Of course, you could always pit one against the other. In the good ol’ days, animals would have to fight tooth, nail and antler for mating rights. What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than with a bare-knuckled brawl to the death? That way you can be sure you’re choosing the right guy. Buy a keg and a tent. You can even turn a profit selling tickets to the extravaganza.

It doesn’t all have to be violent. You could hold a triathlon of sorts. Maybe start these rival lovers off with something academic, like a game of WordTwist. Then move onto some kind of test of spirit where you pour scalding oil on them and the first to move is… less scalded. I don’t know. I’ll have to think about that one. Maybe just stick to that bare-knuckle-brawl-to-the-death I was talking about.

That’s just an idea. I’m just thinking out loud here (on paper).

You know, I could be wrong, though. It’s happened twice before. Maybe the three of you will all get along fine and Valentine’s Day will be the happiest day in the world. And then the sun will set in the north and a whale will write a book about Nixon called Tricky Dick and have all these detailed chapters about the human endocrine system. It could happen.

WILL LONG believes that animals know best. How do you think he got all those expensive cigars and that high-rise corner office? Leave a message with his raccoon secretary at wclong@ucdavis.edu.

If you are planning to graduate in 2011 (or after), we’d like to hear from you regarding what features of the UC Davis graduation ceremony are important to you.

No major changes are afoot for this spring, where roughly 4,600 undergraduates will participate in six undergraduate ceremonies at the Pavilion in June. Campus practice has been to hold ceremonies according to what college you are in. (E.g. pPsychology majors participate in one of the College of Letters and Sciences ceremonies, civil engineers participate in the engineering ceremony, managerial economics majors participate in one of the College of Agriculture and Environmental Sciences ceremonies and genetics majors participate in the College of Biological Sciences ceremony.)

All of the ceremonies include a student speaker and some include another invited speaker, often a successful UC Davis alum. All of the present ceremonies are highlighted by graduating seniors walking across the stage with other students in their major to receive a certificate and shake hands with campus dignitaries such as the college dean, the provost or the chancellor. The campus contracts with a photography company to capture each student’s walk across the stage. Most ceremonies are about two hours in length. Although all of the tickets for family members and guests are free, some graduates receive only a limited number of tickets depending on their ceremonies.

So what are our options? Well, in the early 1990s when the campus was growing rapidly, the administration considered renting Arco Arena. That way, all undergraduate students could graduate together in one or maybe two big ceremonies and still have greater access for tickets. But at that time, students wanted to continue to have the ceremony on campus. As we confront a time when tickets are again scarce and ceremonies are packed, should we revisit that option? We have completed Aggie Stadium since the last time we looked comprehensively at the ceremonies. Should we take a chance that the June temperatures will cooperate and hold a larger ceremony or ceremonies in the stadium? Perhaps in the early morning or evening? Or do we stay with current practice?

Let us know your thoughts by sending an e-mail to graduationceremonies@ucdavis.edu. Do you like the idea of graduating with all of the members of the class of 2011 (or 2012 or 20 13)? Would the presence of a high profile celebrity speaker enhance the ceremony for you and your family? How important is it to you to walk across the stage and shake the hands of campus dignitaries? Would you prefer The Pavilion, Aggie Stadium or Arco Arena?

We look forward to hearing from you. We want to make commencement one of your most cherished UC Davis experiences.

PATRICIA A. TURNER

Vice Provost

Undergraduate Studies

Headline: Israel is not an apartheid state

Dear Editor,

In The California Aggie’s Feb. 2nd article “Petition circulates to boycott Israeli goods,” Geoffrey Wildanger, president of the Students for Justice in Palestine, gave a quote that insinuated that Israel is an apartheid state.

South Africa’s apartheid policies constituted an institutionalized system of racial discrimination and segregation wholly incomparable to the situation in Israel. Apartheid created a legal framework through which a minority could govern and disenfranchise a minority. In Israel, a majority-rule democracy, all Israeli citizens – including Arab Israelis – can vote. The Palestinian-elected Palestinian Authority governs the West Bank and Gaza.

As a Jew, whenever I hear about the “holocaust of the rainforest” or the “holocaust of the Native Americans,” I can’t help but feel that using the term “holocaust” to describe anything other than the Nazis’ systematic murder of six million European Jews somehow diminishes the suffering my people endured. I hope South Africans – especially those who dealt with apartheid’s cruelty and brutality – would similarly object to the spurious, insensitive use of a term that describes the unique affliction and hardship experienced by their people.

We cannot reduce the Arab-Israeli conflict’s complexity to a sound bite or boycott; it proliferates misconceptions, fuels discord and prolongs peace.

Most sincerely,

AARON SHERMAN

Senior, International Relations

Headline: Response to the ‘Rise of the Girly Men’ editorial

Dear Editor,

I was very appreciative and impressed with your editorial in Tuesday’s Aggie. I really appreciate your openness at the meeting you attended last week during Beyond the Binary and the steps you have taken since.

I believe the editorial will go a long way with the community. Even more than that, it models a very productive way to handle criticism, take responsibility and make changes that many on this campus will benefit from.

Thanks,

SHERI ATKINSON

Director

Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Resource Center

The UC Student Association’s march to the capitol is both a symbolic event and meant to please the students. At least four regents, the student regent-designate and UC President Mark Yudof expressed interest in attending the march.

Although we are glad to have regent presence alongside students, we think they should use the march for something more substantial than making the evening news.

Student Regent-Designate Jesse Cheng admitted that regent presence is a publicity stunt but said it is necessary in order to bring more attention to the cause. Media coverage increases awareness, and more attention to the issue will increase pressure to act for change.

Making the regents more visible and accessible to the public is a positive move, given the debate surrounding their actions. Unification of administration and students is valuable to promote student interest.

Although the regents’ presence is a new step, the Mar. 1 collaboration could be more effective. The regents’ efforts could be more productive if they bring tangible solutions beyond just asking the state for more money. They can then present them at the march instead of simply showing up to make an appearance. This collaboration can be used to help the public gain understanding of the regents’ jobs and recent decisions surrounding the fee increase.

The regents can propose changes of the system to the legislature in order to prove they are willing to compromise if the state will as well. The regents need to make legislators understand money allocated will be spent responsibly.

The philosophy behind the march – unification – sends the right message, but mere media attention doesn’t solve any problems. A purpose that is further defined would be more effective and provide a stronger foundation for future actions.

Students and regents can cooperate in establishing clear expectations for Sacramento’s policymakers and ways in which the current situation can be improved. The regents are not always willing to make a special trip to Sacramento, so why not create an event with more substance?

A more developed alliance will showcase a thoughtful, actively participating student body.

Members of the Davis Food Co-op are circulating a petition to boycott all Israeli products from the grocery store.

If 500 members sign the petition, the campaign could appear on the Co-op’s May ballot – where all 10,000 shareholding members will have the chance to vote on whether or not to keep Israeli products in the store.

Organized by the Davis Committee for Palestinian Rights, boycotters have peacefully placed themselves outside of the Co-op asking for members to sign the petition. They claim their aim is to put political and economic pressure on Israel to provide civil and political rights for Palestinians.

Co-op general manager Eric Stromberg said the Co-op sells an olive oil manufactured in the West Bank that is exported through Israel. Such a boycott would then in fact negatively effect Palestinian workers, the very people the Davis Committee for Palestinian Rights are trying to protect. Would petitioners then like to boycott the very people they support?

Although the first amendment entitles these members to peacefully protest and express their beliefs, removing the Co-op’s low number of Israeli products – such as feta cheese and couscous – will not have an impact on the greater scale of this issue. A grocery store is not the correct setting to integrate political issues. It is a place to buy food.

If petitioners feel it is not appropriate for the Co-op to sell these minimal Israeli products, then they can boycott these products by refusing to buy them. Other shoppers can make their own decision regarding Israeli feta cheese and other such products on their own.

Whether it is a brownie, cheese or wine, grocery stores should be kept a place without political conflict for Davis community shoppers.

My disappointment in the government has put me in a worse mood than usual. It’s even going to leak into my weekly column. I just don’t feel like choosing between a myriad of issues to get angry about but ultimately be unable to resolve.

Case in point? Political expediency, as always, takes precedence over the implementation of justice. With President Obama’s announcement he will (finally) take on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, homophobic representatives are finding new ways to protest the inevitable march of human rights.

Representative John Boehner of Ohio was quoted in the New York Times saying, “In the middle of two wars and in the middle of this giant security threat, why would we want to get into this debate?”

The least naysayers can do is be honest about their homophobia. Wouldn’t talking about their fear of queer be more refreshing than political quibbling? But coming out and admitting the oppressive and discriminating predilections of the Republican party – and our political system in general – doesn’t fit in with President Bush’s lip-service about “compassionate conservatism.” It’s better just to lie.

I guess I should just get over my disappointment, though. Why should I expect anything better from Boehner and others like him when Obama, who pledged to update gay rights during his campaign, has waited more than a year into his term to vaguely-kinda-sorta promise to end DADT?

Sure, he’s said that discrimination against non-heterosexuals in the military is “just wrong,” but this hasn’t translated into any real policy. For all intents and purposes, his inaction puts him on par with Boehner.

Lucky columnist that I am, I never lack an example reaffirming our government’s marginalization of people by trying to control their bodies. This can occur in many different ways, one of which is the legislation of consensual sexuality.

The right rages about the Obama administration’s attempts to regulate everything and to expand our ever-expanding government, but they do not see the irony in their attempts at sexual discrimination. Big Government got you down? Make it bigger by micromanaging the sexuality of American citizens, why dontcha?

Although New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has been reviving efforts to repeal DADT, who knows how long it will take before the final vestige of it is wiped away from policy. As it is, there will probably only be only minor changes for the near future. Sans time-table as we are, there could be only the smallest of steps forward. Defense Secretary Robert Gates is primarily concerned with the more offensive aspects of the legislation, such as those permitting members of the military to “report” on the sexuality of other members with impunity.

So, you know, write to your congressperson and think happy thoughts, because that’s pretty much all we can do for now. If even Lieutenant Daniel Choi, an intelligent, accomplished patriot, is having a hard time changing discriminatory policy towards the military LGBT community, I don’t know what I can possibly do.

Reach HALEY DAVIS at hrdavis@ucdavis.edu.